I'm scared of pain, that's why I'll pretend not to notice the way you've been looking at me all night. I'll pretend that you're flirting with me in the same friendly way you used to do in high school. I'll pretend not to understand the real question behind your "is there something you need that I could do for you?" I'll pretend not to be nervous and act playful when you take a few steps towards me when we're talking outside my house. I'll pretend to be laughing "just because" and not because you're making my heart flutter and my pulse rise. I'll take a few steps back "because it's getting late and we should both go to bed" and not because I want to take them forward and kiss you. I'll pretend not to wish that hug you gave me would have lasted longer. I'll pretend to have forgotten and not ask you to send me those poems you've written because I'm afraid they might have a hidden message for me. Even if I so badly want to do so. I'll pretend and act like I'm not noticing your gestures, your comments. I'll pretend I haven't had to stop for a second to get myself together before opening the door because I couldn't stop smiling all the way down the stairs. I'll pretend not to notice your eyes on me while you're "taking a break" when we're having dinner. I'll pretend and put my hands around your neck and inside the sleeves of your T-shirt "just so you can feel how cold my hands are", and not because I just want to and maybe because I'm trying to flirt with you. I'll pretend to be distracted and not properly say hello or goodbye to you because I really want to hug you and I'm afraid of you noticing how fast my heart is beating. I'll pretend not to be disappointed that we didn't say goodbye properly the last time we saw each other. I'll pretend because I can't believe you're making me feel all of this. I'll pretend because we both know we want different things for our future.
I'll pretend because there's a chance I might be imagining it all.
I'll pretend because I don't want to hurt you. I'll pretend because I don't want you to hurt me. I'll pretend because I don't want to lose you, even if that means keeping you at a distance.
