Musical Sundays

"Wake from your sleep, the drying of your tears. Today, we escape. We escape."

About friendship, or something like that.

I'm not sure what day it is. 10.05.2015?

I've always been rubbish at keeping in touch with the people I care about. That's just common Rachel knowledge. But today I'm specially pissed off about it.

For weeks now, maybe even a month, I've been wanting to text Alejandra and just meet up with her because we barely see each other anymore and I guess that in some way I miss her. I mean, we lived together for two years, not even I can be that heartless.

And yesterday she texted me, which made me feel bad but I told her right away that we had to hang out and we agreed on today. But we didn't say a time, which was a mistake. I just thought I would text her today and we could meet and catch up on each other's lives.

I wasn't expecting to wake up in such a bad mood. Or maybe not bad mood, but one of my moods.
Although I didn't notice right away that it was happening.

And so I kept putting off texting her until my brain decided that we weren't going out today and that we had to come up with an excuse for it. Excuse that I've thought of three (or more) hours ago and that now by 9 pm I still haven't given her. To be honest, I might not text her at all.

I guess I could tell her the truth, she's my friend after all, but I know, I KNOW, she would tell me to go out with her tonight and get over it. She knows a lot about be, but she wouldn't understand. And I don't wanna explain. She's one of those people who just doesn't get it. I don't need her to understand depression (I haven't told her but I'm sure she knows by now), I just need her to understand that not everyone is the same.
Or maybe I just need her not to think that going out is the cure to everything.

Anyway, even if I have just complained about her (such news), I still wanted to just spend some time with her. That would've been a step towards my "getting better at keeping in touch with people" milestone that I apparently set for myself last night after suddenly talking with Írem and she telling me "you should write sometimes" (I know, I'm sorry).

So today, instead of going out for a couple hours, getting coffee and chatting with a friend, I'm just going to stay in my room by myself, boring my ass off. What an amazing fucking life.
Riveting.

Fuck off, me.

Goodbye, My Mad Fat Diary.

(there might be spoilers here, I will warn you when they're coming)

Originally, I wasn't going to write this entry - I just hadn't thought about it. As you may have noticed, I haven't felt like writing lately (except for like two days), so I was going to wait until I was done with exams, done with all the stuff I have to do here and back home and then give myself a try again. Because writing is all I can and know how to do.

I'm getting away from the point.

I decided to watch it early (it's Sunday night when I'm writing this), because 1) this season they've been giving links to watch them early (which I'm not fond of, but this time it has actually been helpful) and most importantly 2) on Tuesday (when this entry has gone up) I have my last final and I knew I was going to be a crying mess and be thinking about it and I need to be focused because I'm so very screwed if I don't pass that one.

And excuse me for getting away from the point, once again.

Prepare to watch it happen more times during this entry.

(Sorry.)

So, My Mad Fat Diary.

Most of you, nonexistent readers, might not know anything about this. And up until two to three years ago, I was the same. So I'm going to do a little bit of an introduction to the whole of it.

My Mad Fat Diary is a British show inspired by/adapted from Rae Earl's teenage diaries, which she decided to publish and I'm so fucking grateful for that.

Here's a link for book one and book two.

At first I heard about this book that was the diary of a girl with my same name, also fat, also a teenager, also mad (I never really considered myself to be mad though I knew there was something wrong with me). There were too many coincidences as to ignore it. By the time I didn't dare (also wasn't allowed, I believe) to buy things online, so I just said to myself "one day".

Some time after (could be weeks, could be months, I don't remember), I found out they had made a tv show inspired by/adapted from it and that that same week they were airing the last episode of the first season. So there I went. And I'm so glad I did.

The thing about these books and this show it's that it's actually, for realskies, different than anything else you might have read or watched. You never see on tv a fat girl (or anyone, really, other than a man) talking about masturbation, about her mental health issues (and them not being treated as a joke or lightly) and getting really deep into them and mainly that affects her, her relationship with her mum and her friends (which she doesn't really have at the beginning) and (I have to mention this or it would bug me forever) about AMAZING music.

(pause to complain about how hard it is to write this without giving away any spoilers)

As a person who has gone through (and still is) a lot of the same issues as Rae (the real one, author and protagonist of the diaries and tv version, with just slight changes) I have to say that both the books and the show can be (very) triggering at times. It can be super harsh, like it gets to a point where you think there can be no return (which led to a lot of fandom drama but we won't get into that any further than to say that life can be that hard, and it can get even worse, just because it's a tv show doesn't mean it has to be all easy with fluffy clouds, rainbows and unicorns) and that, that really gets you. Especially *spoiler* season 2, where you see Rae's downfall, which led me to remember things I didn't think about anymore. But at the same time, it has helped me more than I can see.

Now that I've finished watching the show and that I'm almost halfway through the second book, there are things that make me feel proud of myself. I see things that Rae has accomplished that I also have, things that thanks to all of this, I can see from an outside point to view, and reevaluate my choices, my actions, my behavior.

And I just realised that. Up until right now whenever I read something about how much the show encouraged people get help and get better I thought "awww, that's so great" and felt happy for them.

(I didn't want to make this about me, but it has happened - it's my blog after all, isn't it?) People, well, close friends, my mum and my therapist tell me that I'm too hard on myself and that's why I always felt outside of that "this show has helped me" group of people. Because for so long I can't remember, I've been forcing myself to think that I'm okay, even now that I'm getting help. I still force myself to think that I'm fine.

So even if the show is triggering and at times really harsh, it's all worth it. Because representation on the media matters so much than anyone can imagine and this needed to be out there, and taken seriously and in depth.

All I have left to say is a massive thank you to Rae Earl, for putting herself out there to show people that it does get better for everyone, mentally ill or not (even if it's so hard to believe most of the time), she's an example of it; to Sharon Rooney, for portraying her so perfectly and just being a wonderful human being in general; to the rest of the cast, because each one of them gave a little bit of themselves to their characters and that made them even better - I really can't imagine anyone else playing those characters; and finally the crew, for putting together such a wonderful show. 

Thank you.

I'll miss you, and I'll keep re-watching you regularly as I've been to encourage myself to keep on going, even if I didn't know I was doing it.

"Dear Diary,

That's the secret I reckon. 

You don't need fixed ideas about who you are or where you're headed. 

You just need to be ready to cope with whatever crap comes your way.

And as for all the crazy shit, the mental screw-ups and the madness...

Well that's mine, dear Diary.

I get to keep that.

That travels with me."

Musical Sundays

"In the paper today tales of war and of waste, but you turn right over to the TV page."