Oh, no.

24th of March, 2016. 4 am.

So.
I've self-harmed again.
I've been doing it for over a month or more, actually.
I never really stopped.  I just didn't do it every day.
Maybe I spent a couple of months without doing it.
And then something would set me off and all those months of not hurting myself never existed.
But I hadn't felt the push and pull towards it so strongly for a while.
And that's probably the part that hurts the most.
Needing to do it.
Knowing that you're not gonna be able to shush your brain for a few minutes and then get some sleep unless you do it, unless you feel that burn.
"It's such a stupid thing to do," I tell myself every time.
And yet 95% of the times I fall into it.
Scars are so easy to hide.
They don't matter.
Especially when you have a big body that you never show.
Because why would you.
After so many years the lies come easy.
And no one gives it a second thought.
No one.
Then you feel those tiny read lines screaming "please, see me", "please, help me", "please, be actually interested", "please, care".
And the only way you can shut them up with is hurting yourself again.
And if after hurting yourself you can't shush your brain, you can't sleep - you do it again. Knowing that this is stupid. Knowing that this is not helping you.