It just dawned on me, after a day in which, if someone were to ask me what I've been doing, my answer would have to be "I've been depressed" (yes, that qualifies as an action), something that I stopped doing so much as I used to when I only suspected from vaguely to strongly that I had depression, has been crying.
I used to cry at everything. In a way, I still do. I still cry at songs, at books, at movies, etc. But as a pre-teen, and during my early teenage years, I would cry about my feelings so easily. Like, it's insane how easily my feelings would have me sobbing.
I remember that one day I started repressing and hiding the feelings that would escape that cage I had made for them. Which I call both "doomsday" and "the day I made a fucking great decision". I started hiding. Emotionally. And physically. But that's a story for another day.
I guess that with age (I know I'm not very old, but you get what I mean), I would've grown out of crying so much. I guess. I don't know. What I actually feel is that, with depression, crying about my feelings became the last thing that I would do. Which, again, is both a good and bad thing. I barely even cry in private when I feel like I can't handle anything anymore.
But being able to stop my tears makes me feel in control.
When tears come streaming down my face, that's the worst part. When I can hold anything inside my chest, when it hurts too much.
Last night I had a good cry because of another failed final at university, but today, even if I was still feeling like utter shit, I was keeping myself in check. No more tears from 12 o'clock.
Until I decided that tonight I should watch a movie (instead of doing what I actually have to do and knowing very well that anxiety is going to chase me later) but I couldn't decide on which. I wanted to watch a movie, but I didn't want to watch any. That triggered the tears. And it's so fucking stupid and I hate so much that depression has taken away from me the things that I love. It still hasn't taken away my love for music (thank fuck), that's all I have left. I want to read a book, I will pick up one and not be able to read more than a page; I will start watching an episode from a tv-show that I love, I will lose interest after a few minutes; I will start watching a normal length movie, if I make it to the end in "one go", it will be six hours later, or more.
And these are just some mundane, kind of insignificant examples of what depression does to one person.
It's so fucking stupid, ridiculous and infuriating.
Sorry for any errors and extremely long sentences that probably don't make any sense. I had to let it out.
