Thoughts

12.01.2018 2:03am
I can't believe it's already the 12th. I'm so stressed out.

I'm feeling too many things, but it's like none at all, because they paralyze me.
I feel the need, the urge (have been feeling it for years now) to run away, to be somewhere else. I know it's not my hometown - I was just there and I kinda wanted to leave. I don't know where I need to go, but I have this pressure in my chest, that just needs me to go somewhere else.
I feel like I need to rip off my skin, just get rid of it. Throw it away. It doesn't make sense.
I need to stop. I don't know it what I need is time to stop or to stop doing what I'm doing and just... Stop thinking, stop worrying, just fucking stop. I need to breathe.
I need to study more, or feel like I've actually memorized something after spending so many hours reading and writing down the same things. Like I'm not just wasting time and money and I won't get to leave this city and graduate next year.
I need to move on, to do something different even if there's uncertainty.
I need to pick up some pieces of me I've left behind by accident, leave there the ones that don't belong with me anymore and find new ones in the path ahead.
I want to know who I am, or who I kinda want to be. I'm tired of being lost within myself. I know people around me have their own perceptions of me and I am someone "defined" to them, but I want to know who I am, or who I think I am. I haven't known for years.
I want to smoke my lungs away and disappear with the fumes of the cigarettes. But then again this year I know I will stop smoking. It's been long enough.
I need to stop feeling this anxiety that becomes so overwhelming to the point where it paralyzes me. If I'm feeling anxious why is it not making me productive? The answer is possibly depression, but I just want them both to fuck off.
I want to hurt myself again. I've successfully stopped myself from doing it for a little while, but I just need to feel something that distracts me from this all that overwhelms me. Five minutes would help. Just five.
I want to love someone, but I also don't because it's never reciprocated. But I have so much love to give it hurts and I feel like I'm either about to explode or die from sadness. It's not enough giving my friends and family love, apparently not anymore. Which fucking sucks.
I want a new body, a new brain, a brand new canvas. A do-over because I keep fucking up and sabotaging myself and I'm tired.
I need to sleep, to finally fix my sleeping schedule, yet here I am, now 2:32am.
I want to hit my head against a wall and stay unconscious for a few hours. Even if my worries won't leave me even while I sleep.
I need strength to finally deal with something I've been avoiding for way too long which keeps getting worse and worse because of my postponing. Because I'm terrified.
I need to scream and punch a wall because I'm frustrated with my life and myself (even though I know I'm privileged and count my blessings). What if I break a bone or two in the process? I'll live. Sadly, I'll live.

I want too much, don't I?
Shit.
Have I wasted more time? Probably so.
2:48am.