Coping with loss (or trying to), one year after.

There's no "real" point to this entry other than just letting my thoughts out. I'd love to have some tips or any of kind of advice on coping with loss, but every person feels emotions in different ways, so each has to find their own way. It's hard to do so, I know, but it's there, waiting to be found.

One year ago, one of my uncles passed away. The third of my mum's brothers to pass away at a young age (by young age I mean less than 60).

It all happened during the course of almost two years, which we can never decide whether it's a good thing or a bad one. It's both, really. This is one of the many things that aren't black or white.

The first couple of weeks were quite hard. It had been hard for over a year, but when he was gone, you know, it gets harder for some time. We felt relief because he wasn't in pain anymore but, at the same time, we obviously missed him. We still do. Added to those mixed feelings, I was trying to cope with going back to uni for -sadly- not the last year. It was quite a mess. I was a mess. Still am.

With a heavy heart, I had put him aside - I needed to concentrate on school, which I know is gonna sound typical, but I'm certain he would want me to do that. I remembered him almost every day, but I didn't allow myself to dwell on it for too long.

A few months later, I saw him in a dream. I was in a big house next to a beautiful cliff with giant windows that let a lot of light inside. I was walking around, talking to the people I knew there, then I suddenly bumped into him and he smiled at me. Just smiled. It was such a beautiful and radiant and warm smile. He looked happy, at peace. That smile calmed me. It filled me inside and I was so happy to see him with such a broad smile on his face and such light to his whole being.

I knew then, for certain, that he was okay. I know he is okay wherever he is if there's something and this is not just a product of my imagination.

That smile has been, is a big comfort.

But I must admit that I can't help (or couldn't help, I'm trying not to do it anymore) to look for him whenever I'm in my hometown. I turn the corner from my street to his and wish for him to be walking his dog and stop me and have a normal conversation. By normal conversation I mean that, he's... he was the only uncle that when bumping into each other would ask me about my life and tell me about his and we would just chat for a few minutes. We would have grown-up conversations, which I don't have with any other of my aunts and uncles (mainly because I don't see them often/ever). He would see me as an adult, he would treat me as one - something I feel no one around me does. But that's a story for another day.

So on Thursday morning, I went out with my mum to run some errands and just when we turned the corner we bumped into my cousin (his daughter), who was going to my aunt's house to have some family time. Someone called us from the balcony and we saw my cousin (his son) there, followed by my aunt and then my heart broke and I had to turn around and stop looking at that balcony. My uncle didn't appear in the balcony after them (or by himself) as he did so often when I walked down that street. It hit me again, for the millionth time ever since he died, that I'm never going to bump into him, walking his dog so content. He loved walking that dog and just being out, having some time for himself. It fucking broke my heart. 

I haven't been able to get it out of my head, specially now, one exact year after and with all the stuff that is going on (more of that soon). I reckon I'll be better in a few days, and with some more time, I'll be more okay about it, kind of how it happened with my other uncle four years ago. But for now - for just a little while, I have to and need to keep going - I feel so shitty that he's gone. I feel so truly and utterly sorry about it.

I feel sorry that we've lost him. I feel sorry for the despair I saw in my mum's eyes every night she came home after seeing him. I am so glad that my cousin has finally left their house and that they're all moving on and even though they have weak moments they keep on going just as they should. I feel sorry for the terror I saw in my other uncle's eyes because he thinks "what if I'm next? what if there's something genetically wrong in the males of the family?" and "I've lost all my brothers", whether they had a better or worse relationship. I feel so sorry because I didn't go see him in his last two months, even tough he knew why. I feel so sorry because he suffered, he suffered a lot. I just feel so fucking sorry.

In time, we'll all be fine - but I know I'll find myself looking for him from time to time whenever I turn that corner.