"Summer's over, Tixie. The bubble's burst."

In a way, I don't mind that summer's over. I hate the heat. I really can't understand how people like it. But on the other hand, I dread summer coming to an end.

The bubble has been burst for quite a while now, actually - when my friends said "next week is September." I thought I had one more week to get mentally ready for what was to come. Although to be completely honest, nothing could've prepared me. Well, maybe, if I had been going to therapy during the holidays. Which I just remembered that I said here that I would really try to go and I didn't even bother. Oh, well. Doesn't surprise me.

The beginning of summer was pretty bad (like every other, really) - my mum would spend days without talking to me after yelling at me for the stupidest reasons and it got to a point where I had a plan of where I was going to spend the rest of the summer, because I could not stay at home if that was going to be the situation there.

Then one day she reluctantly started talking to me in a more normal way and we created this environment at home which felt very fragile most of the time but that in the end evolved to our normal environment. Thankfully. 

I talked about it with my sister and she told me that we have to come to terms with our parents (mainly our mum, we're not close to our dad) getting older. That kinda broke me - I'd love to keep my mum the same age forever so nothing can happen to her. I've started accepting it a little bit but, oh man, how I hate time passing. I really do hate it.

For the first summer holiday in years (I'm not even joking) I haven't had a single fight with my sister. That was a nice surprise. I know the biggest reason as to why that has been that way, is because a couple of years back (or maybe even just last summer) we had out last conversation about how often I was going to see my father. She finally accepted that she can't make me go see him and that I have to choose at my own will. 

I think overall she has started taking me more seriously, she has realised that she doesn't know everything about me and that I have to follow my own path at my own rhythm. At least that's what it feels like to me.

I've also realised that she doesn't care about me as much as I used to think.It is true that I feel like that about most people in my life, but during these last few months, she has actually proven it to me. I get that she has been in a relationship for ten years now and that soon they are going to get married, but I know, I know, that if I was in her same situation, she would come first before my partner. Your sister is always going to be there - I have been there for her; partners come and go. I was pretty upset about that for a few weeks, maybe a few months, but it doesn't hurt so much anymore - I've kinda given up on it, there's just no point in trying to fight that.

It has also felt like a "coming of age" summer. I've donated most of my stuffed animals and a lot of my clothes (this actually happens every summer). I've given my 30 y.o. closet to one of my cousins for her spare room (it isn't in a bad condition, but we needed to put that piece of furniture and others in the past) and gotten a bigger and brand new one. I'm getting a new bed tomorrow (the old one goes to my cousin as well and was just as old) and I'll give her my nightstand as well as soon as I get a little shelf to replace it. 

I've also done some more redecorating in my room - I've painted the lower half of the ceiling in a dark blue (the color that was there previously drove me crazy, I absolutely hated it); I've also gotten rid of one of my cork boards and the other one I've changed what was there (I need to finish it though) - I just didn't feel represented anymore in all those pictures and concerts tickets and whatever else I had on them. It's still unfinished, but now I love my room so much.

So, even though I haven't traveled at all or done anything out of the ordinary, mentally, it has been a pretty intense summer. My life is always pretty intense mentally, there's always so much happening.

Today has been the first day of the new uni year and, well, I don't want to go into details now, but it hasn't been great,it has been absolutely disgusting and all that positivism and plans that my roommate and I had for this new year have gone down the drain as soon as I stepped foot in this city. I hate my hometown, I always will, but I also hate this city, I've hated it for years - it's just not the place for me. But I have to suck it up, and I will, and I will be miserable in the meantime, but it will get better. It has to. This is not my final state.

I really hope this will be a better year. It has to.