Movies of 2024

1- Picture this

2- Dirty Dancing

3- Mean Girls (2024)

4- Hedwig and the Angry Inch

5- Mientras Duermes

6- Nocturnal Animals

7- Anyone but you

8- 20th Century Women

9- Mother!

10- Barbie (rewatch)

11- Saltburn

12- An American in Austen

13- Poor Things

14- Talk to me

15- Don't worry darling

16- Dream Scenario

17- All of us strangers

18- A little chaos

19- Mrs Doubtfire (rewatch)

20- Smile

21- Barbarian

22- Beetlejuice (rewatch)

23- All cheerleaders die

24- Summer of '84

25- Stay Out of the Attic

26- Chicken Run (rewatch)

27- Mi ligue en apuros

28- Bad Samaritan

29- Night of the Living Dead 

30- Las Brujas de Eastwick

31- Little Shop of Horrors

32- Más allá de los dos minutos infinitos

33- Legally Blond

34- Legally Blond II

35- One Day (rewatch)

36- Flashback

37- The idea of you

38- Immaculate

39- Tarot (2024)

40- Twilight (rewatch)

41- Minions (rewatch)

42- Border

43- Hot tub time machine

44- Furiosa

45- When Harry met Sally

46- Atlantis

47- Big Hero 6 (rewatch)

48- Malditos vecinos

49- El caníbal de Rotemburgo

50- Que se mueran los feos

51- La primera profecía

52- The Rocky Horror Picture Show (rewatch)

53- La profecía 666

54- Inside Out 2

55- A quiet place: Day One

56- El calendario de adviento

57- Gru 4

58- La mesita de comedor

59- Twisters

60- Late night with the devil

61- Rec (rewatch)

62- Rec 2 (rewatch)

63- Rec 3 (rewatch)

64- Rec 4

65- Deadpool & Wolverine

66- A Star is Born

67- Longlegs

68- The Unholy

69- The Trap

70- Alien (rewatch)

71- Alien

72- MaXXXine

73- X

74- Invocación mortal

75- Knock at the cabin

76- Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

77- The Blair witch project (rewatch)

78- Soy Nevenka

79- El Hoyo 2

80- The Body Snatchers

81- La Virgen Roja

82- Woman of the Hour

83- The Substance

84- Child's Play

85- Audition

86- A Nightmare on Elm Street (rewatch)

87- Twilight (rewatch)

88- The Changeling

89- Salem's Lot

90- Before Midnight

91- Uptown Girls (rewatch)

92- Exhuma

93- Jamón, jamón

94- Robot salvaje

95- Nosferatu: Phantom der Nacht

96- Los girasoles ciegos

97- El exorcista del papa

98- Amanece que no es poco

99- Emilia Pérez

100- Mar adentro

101- Nosferatu (2024)

Movies of 2023

1- Little Women (2019) (rewatch)

2- Avatar 

3- Avatar 2

4- M3gan

5- The Usual Suspects

6- All my life

7- Before Sunset

8- Sleepover

9- Ultimate Oppa

10- You've got mail

11- Scream VI

12- The Forever Purge

13- Misery

14- Sunshine Cleaning

15- Baba Yaga

16- Barefoot

17- Marmaduke

18- Prisoners

19- Reinfield

20- Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen

21- Promising Young Woman

22- Café Society

23- Hocus Pocus 2

24- Oldboy

25- The Grudge (2020)

26- Sharkwater

27- Cinderella (rewatch)

28- Cinderella II (rewatch)

29- Cinderella III (rewatch)

30- Encanto (rewatch)

31- Lilo & Stitch

32- Lilo & Stitch II

33- Miss Congeniality (rewatch)

34- Home Alone (rewatch)

35- Home Alone 2 (rewatch)

36- Home Alone 3 (rewatch)

37- Mean Girls (rewatch)

38- Shrek (rewatch)

39- Red (rewatch)

40- Austenland

41- Barbie

42- Murder in the Orient Express

43- Ventajas de viajar en tren

44- La piel del tambor

45- Monsters University (rewatch)

46- The Hunger Games (rewatch)

47- The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (rewatch)

48- The Exorcist: Believer

49- Red, White and Royal Blue

50- The Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part I (rewatch)

51- The Hunger Games: Mocking Part II (rewatch)

52- A Haunting in Venice

53- Baby Done

54- Meg 2: The Trench

55- Haunted Mansion

56- Five Nights at Freddy's

57- Bottoms

58- My Policeman

59- The Watcher in the Woods

60- A Nice Quiet Life

61- Al diablo con el diablo

62- Palm Springs

63- Footloose

64- Luca

65- La sociedad de la nieve

Movies of 2022

1- Sing 2

2- Scream (rewatch)

3- Scream (2022)

4- Scream 2 (rewatch)

5- Scream 3 (rewatch)

6- Shrek (rewatch)

7- La Novia Cadáver (rewatch)

8- Encanto

9- Hotel Transylvania 3

10- Los Otros (rewatch)

11- The Matrix

12- The Hunt (rewatch)

13- Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2022)

14- La Abuela

15- La casa torcida

16- Laura Pausini - Piacere di conoscerte

17- Senior Year

18- Terrifier

19- Twilight

20- Turning Red

21- Good luck to you, Leo Grande

22- Four Weddings and a Funeral

23- Mune

24- Veneciafrenia

25- Rocketman (rewatch)

26- Minions: The Rise of Gru

27- The Sixth Sense

28- Gone Girl

29- Elvis

30- La Mente de un Gato

31- My Friend Dahmer

32- Catherine Called Birdy

33- Rosaline

34- Hocus Pocus

35- From the Depths

36- Sisters (rewatch)

37- Before Sunrise

38- The Witches (rewatch)

Books of 2021

1- Cuentos de Navidad - Charles Dickens
2- Winnie-the-Pooh (#1) - A.A. Milne
3- Spoiler Alert - Olivia Dade

4- Heartstopper: Volume One - Alice Oseman
5- Cometas en el cielo - Khaled Hosseini
6- Juliet takes a breath - Gabby Rivera

7- The Starless Sea - Erin Morgernstern

8- Pachinko - Min Jin Lee

9- Persepolis - Marjane Satrapi

10- Things We Lost in the Fire - Mariana Enríquez

11- Howl's Moving Castle - Diana Wynne Jones

12- Orlando - Virginia Woolf

13- Act Your Age Eve Brown - Talia Hibbert

14- Shadow and Bone - Leigh Bardugo

15- The Tailor - Leigh Bardugo

16- Siege and Storm - Leigh Bardugo

17- Ruin and Rising - Leigh Bardugo

18- The Demon in the Wood - Leigh Bardugo

19- Six of Crows - Leigh Bardugo

20- Crooked Kingdom - Leigh Bardugo

21- Forgive me Leonard Peacock - Matthew Quick

22- Before the Coffee Gets Cold - Toshikazu Kawaguchi

23- Chilling Adventures of Sabrina #1 - Roberto Aguirre-Sacasa

24- Regresión al Mas Allá - Luis Martínez Vallés

25- Rojo, Blanco y Sangre Azul - Casey McQuiston

26- Nothing to See Here - Kevin Wilson

27- Will My Cat Eat My Eyeballs - Caitlin Doughty

28- Everything I Never Told You - Celeste Ng

29- I Believe in a Thing Called Love - Maurene Goo

30- The Strange And Beautiful Sorrows of Ava Lavender - Leslye Walton

31- The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo - Taylor Jenkins Reid

32- All the Bad Apples - Moïra Fowley-Doyle

33- When You Were Everything - Ashley Woodfolk

34- The Black Friend: On Being a Better White Person - Frederick Joseph

35- The Remains of the Day - Kazuo Ishiguro

36- King of Scars - Leigh Bardugo

37- Rule of Wolves - Leigh Bardugo

38- Almond - Wonpyung Sohn

39- The Inheritance Games - Jennifer Lynn Barnes

40- We Were Liars - E. Lockhart

41- The Kiss Quotient - Helen Hoang

42- The Village Shop for Lonely Hearts - Alison Sherlock

43- The Vanishing Half - Brit Bennet 

44- Writers & Lovers - Lily King

45- This Is Not The Jess Show - Anna Carey 

46- The Flatshare - Beth O'Leary

47- The House in the Cerulean Sea - T.J. Klune

48- If I Never Met You - Mhairi McFarlane

49- Less - Andrew Sean Greer

50- A Quarter of an Hour - Leanne O'Sullivan

51- Starfish - Lisa Fipps

52- The Bride Test - Helen Hoang

53- Yolk - Mary H.K. Choi

54- The Kiss Quotient - Helen Hoang

55- Some Quiet Place - Kelsey Sutton

Movies of 2021

1- Bridget Jones's Diary (rewatch)
2- Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (rewatch)

3- Bridget Jones's Baby (rewatch)

4- Pride & Prejudice (rewatch)

5- Mary Queen of Scots

6- You, Me and Him

7- Elf

8- Rocketman

9- To all the boys: Always and Forever

10- Moxie

11- Los sin nombre

12- The Woman in the Window

13- The Perfect Man

14- Sweet & Sour

15- The Conjuring III: The Devil made me do it

16- The House Bunny

17- La Llorona

18- The Curse of La Llorona

19- Grave Encounters

20- Grave Encounters 2

21- The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

22- The Final Girls

23- Sweet & Sour (rewatch)

24- Scary stories to tell in the dark (rewatch)

25- 1917

26- Untitled Horror Movie

27- Ghost Stories

28- Interstellar

29- Excision

30- The Perfection

31- Coneheads (rewatch)

32- Malignant (2021)

33- Pride & Prejudice (rewatch)

34- Miss Congeniality

35- Dune

36- Verónica (rewatch)

37- It follows

38- The Strangers

39- Halloween (1978)

40- Halloween (2018)

41- Halloween Kills

42- Black Sheep

43- Supernova

44- Last Night in Soho

45- The Conjuring (rewatch)

46- The Conjuring 2 (rewatch)

47- Zoey's Extraordinary Christmas

48- Dumplin' (rewatch)

Movies watched in 2020

1- Notting Hill
2- Marie Antoinette (2006)
3- The Holiday
4- Downton Abbey
5- Last Christmas
6- Ready or not
7- Eli
8- Aladdin (2019)
9- Annabelle comes home (rewatch)
10- Your Name
11- Remember Me
12- Parasite
13- Midsommar
14- Booksmart
15- Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again (rewatch)
16- To All The Boys: P.S. I Still Love You
17- A Cure for Wellness
18- Frozen II
19- Dumplin' (rewatch)
20- A Silent Voice
21- My Neighbor Totoro
22- All the bright places
23- Madame Marguerite (rewatch)
24- Scary stories to tell in the dark
25- El Hoyo
26- Call me by your name (rewatch)
27- One of us
28- Love. Wedding. Repeat
29- Ingrid Goes West
30- Little Women
31- Bikram: Yogi, Guru, Predator
32- The Half Of It
33- XX
34- Malasaña 32
35- Bombshell
36- Hairspray (rewatch)
37- Haunt
38- Polaroid
39- Twilight (rewatch)
40- New Moon (rewatch)
41- El ataúd de cristal
42- Eclipse (rewatch)
43- A Secret Love
44- The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)
45- Breaking Dawn pt.1 (rewatch)
46- Breaking Dawn pt.2 (rewatch)
47- Eurovision Song Contest: The Story of Fire Saga
48- Emma (2020)
49- La enviada del mal

50- Disclosure: Trans Lives on Screen
51- Slender Man
52- Yes, God, Yes
53- The Hunt
54- Frágiles
55- Dawn of the Dead
56- Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
57- You Should Have Left
58- Audrie & Daisy
59- Host
60- Cosmopolis
61- Tenet

62- Enola Holmes

63- The Devil All The Time

64- The Broken Hearts Gallery

65- Cyborg 2

66- Deadly Eyes

67- Mrs. Doubtfire (rewatch)

68- Los ojos de Julia (rewatch)

69- Mean Girls (rewatch)

70- Shutter

71- The Nightmare Before Christmas (rewatch)

72- Dr Seuss' The Cat in the Hat

73- Saint Maud

74- Pitch Perfect (rewatch)

Books of 2020

1- The Hidden Life of Trees: What They Feel, How They Communicate - Peter Wohlleben 4/5
2- Le ceneri di Gramsci - Pier Paolo Passolini 3/5
3- iZombie, Vol. 1: Dead to the World - Chris Roberson 4/5
4- The Guest Cat - Takashi Hiraide 4,2/5
5- Puddin' - Julie Murphy 4/5
6- Dumplin' - Julie Muprhy 4/5
7- Call me by your name - André Aciman 4/5
8- The true story of a not so crazy cat lady - Catherine Walker 4/5
9- The river of no return - Bee Ridgway 3/5

10- Triunfos - Francesco Petrarca 3/5 

11- A field guide to getting lost - Rebecca Solnit 1/5

12- The Rosie Effect - Graeme Simsion 4/5

13- The Travelling Cat Chronicles - Hiro Arikawa 5/5

14- Fleabag, the scriptures - Phoebe Waller-Bridge 5/5

15- From here to eternity - Caitlyn Doughty 5/5

16- Attachements - Rainbow Rowell 4/5 

17- Twilight - Stephenie Meyer 4/5

18- Matilda - Roald Dahl 4/5

19- Long way down - Jason Reynolds, Chris Priestley 5/5

20- Estimada Marta - Miquel Martí i Pol 4/5

21- An author's Odyssey - Chris Colfer 4/5

22- Get a life, Chloe Brown - Talia Hibbert 5/5

23- The Silent Companions - Laura Purcell 5/5

24- Take a Hint, Dani Brown - Talia Hibbert 4/5

25- Midnight Sun - Stephenie Meyer 4/5

26- The Silence Of Bones - June Hur 4/5

27- The Changeling - Victor Lavalle 4/5

28- Dracula - Bram Stoker 

29- To Be Honest - Maggie Ann Martin 4/5

30- The Duff - Kody Keplinger 4/5

31- Transit - Anna Seghers (German ver.)

32- Transit - Anna Seghers (English ver.)

33- The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue - V.E. Schwab 5/5

Movies watched in 2019

1- The First Purge
2- Ocho apellidos vascos
3- Ocho apellidos catalanes
4- Soltera codiciada
5- Boy erased
6- The Nutcracker and the Four Realms
7- The Favourite
8- Dumplin'
9- Catwalk: Tales from the Cat Show Circuit
10- The Breaker Uppers
11- Dear Ex
12- Isn't It Romantic
13- The Seagull
14- Escape Room
15- Life Itself
16- He's Out There
17- The Perfect Date
18- The Princess Bride
19- Unicorn Store
20- Dumbo (2019)
21- Tu Hijo
22- Berlin Syndrome
23- El Hijo
24- Paranormal Activity 2 (rewatch)
25- Yesterday
26- Annabelle Comes Home
27- Jawbreaker
28- The Cube
29- The Virgin Suicides
30- Once upon a time... in Hollywood
31- Kill Bill: Volume 1
32- Kill Bill: Volume 2
33- Professor Marston and the Wonder Women
34- Tall Girl
35- Victoria and Abdul
36- Cloverfield
37- Joker
38- Zombieland
39- In The Tall Grass
40- Between Two Ferns: The Movie
41- A Cinderella Story
42- Bram Stoker's Dracula (rewatch)
43- Let it snow
44- Verónica (rewatch)
45- Happy Death Day 2U
46- Train to Busan
47- Knives Out
48- Enganchados a la muerte
49- Twilight (rewatch)
50- New Moon (rewatch)
51- Eclipse (rewatch)
52- Breaking Dawn Part 1 (rewatch)
53- Breaking Dawn Part 2 (rewatch)
54- Angus, thongs and perfect snogging (rewatch)

Books of 2019

1- Canne al vento - Grazia Deledda 3/5
2- The becoming of Noah Shaw - Michelle Hodkin 2/5
3- If cats disappeared from the world - Genki Kawamura 5/5
4- Envelope Poems - Emily Dickinson 4/5
5- Dumplin' - Julie Murphy 4.5/5
6- Demian - Hermann Hesse  4/5
7- Angel Caging - Martin Reed 4/5
8- Speak of me as I am - Sonia Belasco 4/5
9- Phantom Limbs - Paula Garner 3/5
10- Smoke gets in your eyes: And other lessons from the crematory - Caitlin Doughty 5/5
11- Frankenstein - Mary Shelley 2/5
12- Let it snow - John Green, Maureen Johnson, Lauren Myracle 4/5

Movies watched in 2018

1- Stigmata
2- Krampus (re-watch)
3- The Mask (re-watch)
4- Coco
5- Jigsaw
6- Happy death day
7- Extremis
8- Paranormal Activity 3
9- Paranormal Activity 2
10- París, París
11- Wonder
12- La Llamada
13- Paranormal Activity
14- Paranormal Activity 4
15- Into the woods (re-watch)
16- Inception (re-watch)
17- Pitch Perfect 3
18- Call me by your name
19- Method
20- Joy
21- The Lady in the Van
22- Bridget Jones' Baby (re-watch)
23- Shakespeare in love
24- The Good Dinosaur (re-watch)
25- El Bar
26- Happy Anniversary
27- La mala educación
28- The greatest showman
29- The Ritual
30- Tangled (re-watch)
31- Fright Night
32- The Orphan
33- Every Day
34- A Quiet Place
35- 10x10
36- Incident in a Ghost Land
37- Final Destination
38- A Wrinkle in Time
39- Paranormal Activity 5
40- Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum
41- The Feels
42- The Number 23
43- The Domestics
44- Lady Bird
45- Insidious
46- La Purga 2 (re-watch)
47- The Secret Diaries of Miss Anne Lister
48- Mamma Mia! Here We Go Again
49- Gnomeo & Julieta (re-watch)
50- Mamma Mia! (re-watch)
51- Mean Girls (re-watch)
52- Cinderella (re-watch)
53- Hot Fuzz
54- The Visit (re-watch)
55- Julie & Julia
56- Today's Special
57- The Big Sick
58- Love, Simon
59- On Chesil Beach
60- Loving Vincent
61- Letters to Juliet
62- Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
63- The Meg
64- Lovesong
65- To all the boys I've loved before
66- To all the boys I've loved before (re-watch)
67- The Blair Witch Project
68- Hereditary
69- Bridget Jones' Diary (re-watch)
70- Hurricane Bianca: From Russia With Hate
71- Sierra Burgess is a Loser
72- The Nun
73- La mujer más asesinada del mundo
74- SPF-18 (why did I watch this)
75- Hotel Transylvania 3
76- Deadpool 2
77- Unfriended: Dark Web
78- Source Code
79- Hush
80- Bohemian Rhapsody
81- Burn The Stage: The Movie
82- The Incredibles 2
83- Crazy Rich Asians
84- Bridesmaids
85- The Little Mermaid (2018)
86- Nanny McPhee and the Big Bang
87- Roma
88- Moana (re-watch)
89- Matilda (re-watch)
90- A Simple Favor
91- Christopher Robin
92- Everything, Everything
93- Mary Poppins Returns
94- Malevolent
95- The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
96- Sing! (re-watch)
97- The road to El Dorado
98- Black Mirror: Bandersnatch
99- The Outsiders
100- Les goûts et couleurs

Books of 2018

1- La Veneciana - Anonimo veneto del XVI secolo, Ludovico Zorzi 2/5
2- La piel del zorro - Herta Müller 3/5
3- La excursión de las muchachas muertas - Anna Seghers 3/5
4- Si esto es un hombre - Primo Levi 5/5
5- Sin destino - Imre Kertész 4/5
6- La escritura o la vida - Jorge Semprún 4/5
7- Teresada. Inspirado en la vida y la obra de Teresa de Jesús - Louise Doutreligne 2/5
8- En el lago - Javier Martos, Jesús Gordillo 3/5
9- The girl who came back to life - Craig Staufenberg 5/5
10- Desire - Haruki Murakami 3/5
11- Antología poética - Federico García Lorca 4/5

He somiat amb tu.

No és la primera volta que somie amb tu, des de que ens vam conèixer i des d'este estiu especialment. Però esta nit, per algun motiu que encara no comprenc ha sigut diferent a la resta, ha sigut més intens.
He tornat a somiar amb tu i m'he adonat més que mai de la forta presència de la porta que has obert durant este estiu. Eixa porta que al principi no sabia ni que existia i que durant agost has obert els meus ulls i me l'has mostrat amb tota claredat, oberta de bat a bat i m'has confós com feia molt de temps que ningú ho aconseguia.
Però tinc dubtes. Tinc dubtes de que eixa porta estiga oberta pels dos costats, tinc dubtes de si hauríem de creuar el llindar i veure què passa, o si ens hauríem de quedar separats, cadascú al seu costat de la porta, fent com si no existira, com si no ens adonarem de la seua presència.
I amb dubtes em quedaré, per por a que estiguera jo imaginant-me eixa porta, per por a que me la tanques en els nassos, per por a que no pugam creuar-la i que siga massa tard per a tornar enrere.
Per por a perdre't.

III. Gacela del amor desesperado

III

Gacela del amor desesperado

La noche no quiere venir

para que tú no vengas,

ni yo pueda ir.

Pero yo iré,

aunque un sol de alacranes me coma la sien.

Pero tú vendrás

con la lengua quemada por la lluvia de sal.

El día no quiere venir

para que tú no vengas,

ni yo pueda ir.

Pero yo iré

entregando a los sapos mi mordido clavel.

Pero tú vendrás

por las turbias cloacas de la oscuridad.

Ni la noche ni el día quieren venir

para que por ti muera

y tú mueras por mí.

-Federico García Lorca

I'll pretend

I'm scared of pain, that's why I'll pretend not to notice the way you've been looking at me all night. I'll pretend that you're flirting with me in the same friendly way you used to do in high school. I'll pretend not to understand the real question behind your "is there something you need that I could do for you?" I'll pretend not to be nervous and act playful when you take a few steps towards me when we're talking outside my house. I'll pretend to be laughing "just because" and not because you're making my heart flutter and my pulse rise. I'll take a few steps back "because it's getting late and we should both go to bed" and not because I want to take them forward and kiss you. I'll pretend not to wish that hug you gave me would have lasted longer. I'll pretend to have forgotten and not ask you to send me those poems you've written because I'm afraid they might have a hidden message for me. Even if I so badly want to do so. I'll pretend and act like I'm not noticing your gestures, your comments. I'll pretend I haven't had to stop for a second to get myself together before opening the door because I couldn't stop smiling all the way down the stairs. I'll pretend not to notice your eyes on me while you're "taking a break" when we're having dinner. I'll pretend and put my hands around your neck and inside the sleeves of your  T-shirt "just so you can feel how cold my hands are", and not because I just want to and maybe because I'm trying to flirt with you. I'll pretend to be distracted and not properly say hello or goodbye to you because I really want to hug you and I'm afraid of you noticing how fast my heart is beating. I'll pretend not to be disappointed that we didn't say goodbye properly the last time we saw each other. I'll pretend because I can't believe you're making me feel all of this. I'll pretend because we both know we want different things for our future.

I'll pretend because there's a chance I might be imagining it all.

I'll pretend because I don't want to hurt you. I'll pretend because I don't want you to hurt me. I'll pretend because I don't want to lose you, even if that means keeping you at a distance.

Ziehende Landschaft

Mann muss weggehen können
und doch sein wie ein Baum:
als bliebe die Wurzel im Boden,
als zöge die Landschaft und wir ständen fest.
Man muss den Atem anhalten,
bis der Wind nachlässt
und die fremde Luft um uns zu kreisen beginnt,
bis das Spiel von Licht und Schatten,
von Grün und Blau,
die alten Muster zeigt
und wir zuhause sind,
wo es auch sei,
und niedersitzen können und uns anlehnen,
als sei es and das Grab
unserer Mutter.

-Hilde Domin

Pretty bad, but not the worst

I can't remember the last time I was as suicidal as I was just a couple days ago. I don't think I've ever been as ready before. Not even when I spent months unable to get out of bed.
A part of my brain kept screaming at me, begging me not to do it, that suicide is not the answer, that better days will come. But for the most part I wanted to be done. I didn't - still don't, at least not completely - care about... anything at all, really. I didn't care if I had spent almost six years at uni, suffering on a daily basis and hadn't gotten to graduate. I didn't care that I'd never see my family or the few friends I have again. I didn't care about not seeing my sister have a job she enjoys and her having children. I didn't care that I would never get to feel a hug, laugh, look at the moon and stars, listen to music, read a book, write, watch a movie, make someone smile, stare at the rain, travel, feel the cold wind of winter, go to a museum, get another tattoo, go to a concert and feel the music resonate in my body. I didn't care that I wouldn't get to experience so many firsts. I didn't care. There was nothing but black.
Still today I'm finding it hard to want that. I, still, for the most part don't care.
I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm empty. I'm done.
I say to myself that the only reason I haven't done it is because of my roommate (and very dear friend). Because I don't want her to come home and find me what she thinks is sleeping, to, noticing I haven't made a sound in hours, realize I'm dead - that I had been dead all that time. I don't want her to have to deal with all that. Not that it would be a messy suicide - I've known exactly how I would do it for years now. I even know what I want done with my remains and with my belongings. The only thing I haven't done is write my will, suicide note and last letters to my loved ones. If I did that... If I did that I'm not sure I could be stopped.
But maybe what stops me is hope. There might still be some hope left in me, which pisses me off to no end. Hope has brought me nothing but pain and despair. I'm sick of having hope, it's always so deceiving. When you feel hope, your expectations - or at least mine - are let down.
I haven't told anyone how suicidal I am. I have dropped hints to both my roommate and my mom, but I don't think they've caught them, or maybe they don't want to see it. I could never blame them for that. I can't muster the courage to say the words out loud. There's one person I might be able to say it to, but that person feels further away from me with each day that passes, so I don't feel comfortable telling her. I don't blame her for stepping away - she doesn't have the best mental health either so I understand that listening to another person's problems can be both triggering and tiring. I understand.
On Thursday I went with my roommate to a café that's next to our flat and after explaining how I was feeling (I did it there so I wouldn't cry), I apologized to her for caring about me and being my friend. She called me stupid and asked me to never stop telling her what's going on with my brain, but... it's hard. I feel that way about everybody in my life. I feel sorry for them because they have to listen to the same fucking stories time and time again and see that I don't get better, that that day never comes for me. It has to be tiring for them too.
I ended up hurting myself, which I know doesn't solve anything but my brain kept saying "at least we're not ending it, right?" And, in a way, it's right. Or maybe not.
I'm so tired.

PS: I feel sad for this blog, when I first opened it I thought that things could only look up from there (even if I'm the only one who reads it because I, in fact, made it for myself), but then time - and my self-sabotage - showed me otherwise. Maybe one day it will change. Maybe.

Thoughts

12.01.2018 2:03am
I can't believe it's already the 12th. I'm so stressed out.

I'm feeling too many things, but it's like none at all, because they paralyze me.
I feel the need, the urge (have been feeling it for years now) to run away, to be somewhere else. I know it's not my hometown - I was just there and I kinda wanted to leave. I don't know where I need to go, but I have this pressure in my chest, that just needs me to go somewhere else.
I feel like I need to rip off my skin, just get rid of it. Throw it away. It doesn't make sense.
I need to stop. I don't know it what I need is time to stop or to stop doing what I'm doing and just... Stop thinking, stop worrying, just fucking stop. I need to breathe.
I need to study more, or feel like I've actually memorized something after spending so many hours reading and writing down the same things. Like I'm not just wasting time and money and I won't get to leave this city and graduate next year.
I need to move on, to do something different even if there's uncertainty.
I need to pick up some pieces of me I've left behind by accident, leave there the ones that don't belong with me anymore and find new ones in the path ahead.
I want to know who I am, or who I kinda want to be. I'm tired of being lost within myself. I know people around me have their own perceptions of me and I am someone "defined" to them, but I want to know who I am, or who I think I am. I haven't known for years.
I want to smoke my lungs away and disappear with the fumes of the cigarettes. But then again this year I know I will stop smoking. It's been long enough.
I need to stop feeling this anxiety that becomes so overwhelming to the point where it paralyzes me. If I'm feeling anxious why is it not making me productive? The answer is possibly depression, but I just want them both to fuck off.
I want to hurt myself again. I've successfully stopped myself from doing it for a little while, but I just need to feel something that distracts me from this all that overwhelms me. Five minutes would help. Just five.
I want to love someone, but I also don't because it's never reciprocated. But I have so much love to give it hurts and I feel like I'm either about to explode or die from sadness. It's not enough giving my friends and family love, apparently not anymore. Which fucking sucks.
I want a new body, a new brain, a brand new canvas. A do-over because I keep fucking up and sabotaging myself and I'm tired.
I need to sleep, to finally fix my sleeping schedule, yet here I am, now 2:32am.
I want to hit my head against a wall and stay unconscious for a few hours. Even if my worries won't leave me even while I sleep.
I need strength to finally deal with something I've been avoiding for way too long which keeps getting worse and worse because of my postponing. Because I'm terrified.
I need to scream and punch a wall because I'm frustrated with my life and myself (even though I know I'm privileged and count my blessings). What if I break a bone or two in the process? I'll live. Sadly, I'll live.

I want too much, don't I?
Shit.
Have I wasted more time? Probably so.
2:48am.

Movies watched in 2017

1- Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
2- The Hollars
3- A Single Man
4- How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town
5- The Good Dinosaur
6- Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
7- First Girl I Loved
8- Moana
9- The Edge of Seventeen
10- Hunt for the Wilderpeople
11- Long Nights Short Mornings
12-  La La Land
13- Storks
14- The Ring (re-watch)
15- The Ring 2 (re-watch)
16- Scott Pilgrim vs The World
17- Moonlight
18- 21 Jump Street
19- Split
20- 10 Things I Hate About You
21- A Walk to Remember
22- Beauty and the Beast
23- Collateral Beauty
24- Arrival
25- The Space Between Us
26- Les Misérables (re-watch)
27- Les Choristes (re-watch)
28- Lion
29- Dreamgirls
30- Ladrón de Bicicletas
31- The Discovery
32- Friday the 13th (2009)
33- Crimson Peak
34- Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (re-watch)
35- Singing in the rain (re-watch)
36- Perfetti Sconosciuti
37- Romeo + Juliet
38- Get Out
39- Rogue One
40- Voice from the Stone
41- Colossal
42- Rings
43- Curmudgeons
44- He took his skin off for me
45- Gifted
46- Before I fall
47- Would you rather
48- Bronson
49- The Baby Boss
50- Beauty and the Beast (re-watch)
51- This Beautiful Fantastic
52- Moulin Rouge
53- Cloudy with a chance of meatballs
54- The breakfast club
55- Beginners
56- Hairspray (re-watch)
57- The Oranges
58- The House of Small Cubes
59- Raw
60- Clueless
61- Qu'est-ce qu'on a fait au Bon Dieu?
62- Ovejas asesinas
63- Gru: mi villano favorito 3
64- Lost in translation
65- Murdered for being different
66- Be Somebody
67- Abracadabra
68- Handsome Devil
69- Kamikaze
70- Scream 4 (re-watch)
71- Hurricane Bianca
72- The Truman Show (re-watch)
73- Verónica
74- Accidentally Engaged
75- Bram Stoker's Dracula
76- American Beauty
77- Carrie Pilby
78- La Seducción
79- Young Victoria
80- Oculus
81- IT (1990)
82- The devil wears Prada (re-watch)
83- Gerald's Game
84- The Crucifixion
85- Pieles
86- Cinderella (1950) (re-watch)
87- Kingsman: The Golden Circle
88- Annabelle: Creation
89- The Danish Girl (re-watch)
90- Better watch out
91- Signs
91- Gothika
92- The Addams Family
93- The Butterfly Effect
94- Marrowbone
95- Shrek 2 (re-watch)
96- Saw V
97- Never let me go
98- Buster's Mal Heart
99- Those People
100- Imagine me & you
101- Just like heaven
102- This is your death
103- Maktub
104- Cyberbully
105- Carmina y amén
106- Frozen (re-watch)
107- Rise of the guardians
108- Muriel's wedding

Books of 2017

1- Le piccole virtú - Natalia Ginzburg 3/5
It wasn't a bad book, but it was my first book in Italian and it's really hard to read something with so much new vocabulary and verb conjugations that you haven't learnt yet, so I felt as though I couldn't enjoy as much as if I had read it with a higher Italian level. I must add, that even though I was glad that they were short "chapters" -which in every book helps making it faster to read-, in quite a few of them I found that halfway through I had lost the interest and it had become a tad repetitive and I couldn't wait to just be done with them.

2- Bridget Jones: Mad about the boy - Helen Fielding 3/5
Well, that took forever to finish - at least compared to the other two books. And I know comparisons are odious, but I thought I wasn't going to finish this book until summer (and not necessarily because I have a lot of reading to do for uni). It's not a bad book, but there were some things that pissed me off so much. It could be because I read a couple of reviews before I read the book, but now that I've finished it I still think the same. How come she barely "grows up"? I get it that she stills thinks about sex and wants/needs someone to be by her side after the gap Mark has left. But jeez, is it really THAT important? I get it we have needs but I don't know, it felt like she hadn't grown up and like she only had the children because Mark wanted to. I know that sounds very mean because at times she shows that she cares for them but she has the mindset of a thirty year old - or even younger. I don't know, I just found myself getting really mad at her because neither her nor her friends seemed to have grown up. I know everyone has different priorities (and needs) but most of the time it felt like they were ignoring that over ten/fifteen years (if not more) had passed and they still had the same mindset. It doesn't help the bottle of wine I've had while I was finishing this book to bring out all these thoughts, though it is true I had most of them whilst sober.
Overall, it had some good moments that made me laugh out loud, so I'm giving it three stars instead of the two I was planning to give it throughout a big chunk of the story.
And again, a shitty review by me was born.

3- Seis personajes en busca de autor - Luigi Pirandello 3/5
Since I had to read this one for university, I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I could've. Though I also don't think I would've chosen to read this on my own. It wasn't bad, you can definitely understand the critics the author was making and his own mentality and "issues" that he had. I especially liked how the characters tell the actors that they're not doing a good job, since what they're acting is their view of the story they have told and shown them. They try to be true to the characters, but it's never going to be the same as what "the facts" and their reactions were.

4- El vizconde demediado - Italo Calvino 3/5
No review.

5- Todos deberíamos ser feministas - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 5/5
A very good and short book that everybody should read at some point. I would've loved for it to go deeper into some topics, but considering this comes from a Ted Talk (which I believe you are only given up until a certain amount of time) I feel as though is a very good start on feminism, and why people shouldn't be afraid of using it or saying "why not call it equality" or something like that. Will definitely be passing this book around people I know who say they don't believe in feminism or they don't want to call themselves feminists.

6- Billy and me - Giovanna Fletcher 4/5 (could be a 3)
No review.

7- La cantante calva - Eugène Ionesco 3/5
No review.

8- Always with love (Billy and me, #2) - Giovanna Fletcher 3/5 (could be a 4)
No review.

9- Un monstruo viene a verme - Patrick Ness 3/5
I devoured this book because 1) it was really easy to read, with such short chapters and "simple" style and 2) I was waiting for it to make me feel something, which it didn't. I don't know if it is because everyone I talked to told me that both the book and the movie adaptation were really good and that they would make me cry and it just didn't happen for me. I felt sorry for Conor for what we was going through but I knew exactly from the beginning what his "story" was and what he felt and everything, so it didn't surprise me when he said it to the monster. It mostly made me feel sad that the book wasn't making me feel sad, which was what I was looking for and why I chose to read this book next. I was so looking forward to reading it and I looked for the right time to read it and it disappointed me. Maybe I shouldn't have had such high expectations.

10- My life had stood a loaded gun - Emily Dickinson 4/5
I'm pretty sure this is the first book that I read of hers and I really, really enjoyed it. One of my friends is crazy about her poetry so I couldn't wait to read some of her poems. So glad I decided to buy this small compilation.

11- Stranger than fanfiction - Chris Colfer 4/5
It took me a while to really get into this book. I've loved every book Chris Colfer has written (so far), but this one I wasn't so sure about. As with many other books, the first few chapters were a bit hard to push through, but then I couldn't put it down as it made me laugh out loud and cry so much (I wasn't expecting to sob). I loved that he brought such diversity into this story since representation matters so much. I don't know what I was expecting, but this was definitely not it (in the best way). So pleased I picked this book.

12- El coronel no tiene quien le escriba - Gabriel García Márquez 3/5
No review.

13- Queens of geek - Jen Wilde 4/5
No review.

14- Gli innamorati - Carlo Goldoni 1/5
I think there was just one character in this play that I didn't fully hate. I didn't see the point of this story, the characters didn't really dare to make decisions and had no... personality/character. Every page was torture, which makes me really sad because Goldoni is apparently a very important writer but I can't stand what I've read so far of his.

15- La locandiera - Carlo Goldoni 2/5
No review.

16- Mind your head - Juno Dawson 4/5
No review (yet).

Thoughts

22.12.2017 0:22
I went outside to smoke and just as I was walking into our "backyard", I felt amazed, stunned at how beautiful the sky looked. I love the sky, but today I've been staring at it more than usual.
As I stared at it, I thought I saw a shooting star, but it was very faint and fast that I wasn't sure if I had actually seen it.
I thought of Jonghyun, about how people have been saying that he's up there, that somehow last night's (or today's, I'm not sure) blue moon was because of him, to let us know that he's at peace, that his pain is gone.
So I thought "Jonghyun, are you okay? Are you really there? Are you watching? Are you okay now?" And for some reason I thought "Would you give me a sign if you're there and okay?" I didn't expect anything to happen, since I don't really follow any religions and I'm not sure what I believe in.
But just as I had asked for a sign, a very bright and strong shooting star flew across the sky. I almost dropped my cigarette, had that actually happened?
I know, logically, that that star has been dead for years and that there's a big chance that it was just a beautiful coincidence within the universe and me.
Still... Still... I want to believe it was actually him.
That within all the people who are mourning him right this moment, he found me and decided to show me that star.
I didn't really know much about him, I wasn't his biggest fan, but I cared about him, and every time someone commits suicide it touches a part of me that hurts more than when someone dies of natural (or disease) cause.
Jonghyun, thank you for that sign and for offering me a wish. You worked hard, you did well, but the world didn't deserve you and I'm so deeply sorry that you had to endure so much pain. Rest now, you deserve it.
And to the sky and the universe, thank you for your overwhelming beauty.