III. Gacela del amor desesperado

III

Gacela del amor desesperado

La noche no quiere venir

para que tú no vengas,

ni yo pueda ir.

Pero yo iré,

aunque un sol de alacranes me coma la sien.

Pero tú vendrás

con la lengua quemada por la lluvia de sal.

El día no quiere venir

para que tú no vengas,

ni yo pueda ir.

Pero yo iré

entregando a los sapos mi mordido clavel.

Pero tú vendrás

por las turbias cloacas de la oscuridad.

Ni la noche ni el día quieren venir

para que por ti muera

y tú mueras por mí.

-Federico García Lorca

I'll pretend

I'm scared of pain, that's why I'll pretend not to notice the way you've been looking at me all night. I'll pretend that you're flirting with me in the same friendly way you used to do in high school. I'll pretend not to understand the real question behind your "is there something you need that I could do for you?" I'll pretend not to be nervous and act playful when you take a few steps towards me when we're talking outside my house. I'll pretend to be laughing "just because" and not because you're making my heart flutter and my pulse rise. I'll take a few steps back "because it's getting late and we should both go to bed" and not because I want to take them forward and kiss you. I'll pretend not to wish that hug you gave me would have lasted longer. I'll pretend to have forgotten and not ask you to send me those poems you've written because I'm afraid they might have a hidden message for me. Even if I so badly want to do so. I'll pretend and act like I'm not noticing your gestures, your comments. I'll pretend I haven't had to stop for a second to get myself together before opening the door because I couldn't stop smiling all the way down the stairs. I'll pretend not to notice your eyes on me while you're "taking a break" when we're having dinner. I'll pretend and put my hands around your neck and inside the sleeves of your  T-shirt "just so you can feel how cold my hands are", and not because I just want to and maybe because I'm trying to flirt with you. I'll pretend to be distracted and not properly say hello or goodbye to you because I really want to hug you and I'm afraid of you noticing how fast my heart is beating. I'll pretend not to be disappointed that we didn't say goodbye properly the last time we saw each other. I'll pretend because I can't believe you're making me feel all of this. I'll pretend because we both know we want different things for our future.

I'll pretend because there's a chance I might be imagining it all.

I'll pretend because I don't want to hurt you. I'll pretend because I don't want you to hurt me. I'll pretend because I don't want to lose you, even if that means keeping you at a distance.

Ziehende Landschaft

Mann muss weggehen können
und doch sein wie ein Baum:
als bliebe die Wurzel im Boden,
als zöge die Landschaft und wir ständen fest.
Man muss den Atem anhalten,
bis der Wind nachlässt
und die fremde Luft um uns zu kreisen beginnt,
bis das Spiel von Licht und Schatten,
von Grün und Blau,
die alten Muster zeigt
und wir zuhause sind,
wo es auch sei,
und niedersitzen können und uns anlehnen,
als sei es and das Grab
unserer Mutter.

-Hilde Domin

Pretty bad, but not the worst

I can't remember the last time I was as suicidal as I was just a couple days ago. I don't think I've ever been as ready before. Not even when I spent months unable to get out of bed.
A part of my brain kept screaming at me, begging me not to do it, that suicide is not the answer, that better days will come. But for the most part I wanted to be done. I didn't - still don't, at least not completely - care about... anything at all, really. I didn't care if I had spent almost six years at uni, suffering on a daily basis and hadn't gotten to graduate. I didn't care that I'd never see my family or the few friends I have again. I didn't care about not seeing my sister have a job she enjoys and her having children. I didn't care that I would never get to feel a hug, laugh, look at the moon and stars, listen to music, read a book, write, watch a movie, make someone smile, stare at the rain, travel, feel the cold wind of winter, go to a museum, get another tattoo, go to a concert and feel the music resonate in my body. I didn't care that I wouldn't get to experience so many firsts. I didn't care. There was nothing but black.
Still today I'm finding it hard to want that. I, still, for the most part don't care.
I'm tired, I'm frustrated, I'm angry, I'm sad, I'm empty. I'm done.
I say to myself that the only reason I haven't done it is because of my roommate (and very dear friend). Because I don't want her to come home and find me what she thinks is sleeping, to, noticing I haven't made a sound in hours, realize I'm dead - that I had been dead all that time. I don't want her to have to deal with all that. Not that it would be a messy suicide - I've known exactly how I would do it for years now. I even know what I want done with my remains and with my belongings. The only thing I haven't done is write my will, suicide note and last letters to my loved ones. If I did that... If I did that I'm not sure I could be stopped.
But maybe what stops me is hope. There might still be some hope left in me, which pisses me off to no end. Hope has brought me nothing but pain and despair. I'm sick of having hope, it's always so deceiving. When you feel hope, your expectations - or at least mine - are let down.
I haven't told anyone how suicidal I am. I have dropped hints to both my roommate and my mom, but I don't think they've caught them, or maybe they don't want to see it. I could never blame them for that. I can't muster the courage to say the words out loud. There's one person I might be able to say it to, but that person feels further away from me with each day that passes, so I don't feel comfortable telling her. I don't blame her for stepping away - she doesn't have the best mental health either so I understand that listening to another person's problems can be both triggering and tiring. I understand.
On Thursday I went with my roommate to a café that's next to our flat and after explaining how I was feeling (I did it there so I wouldn't cry), I apologized to her for caring about me and being my friend. She called me stupid and asked me to never stop telling her what's going on with my brain, but... it's hard. I feel that way about everybody in my life. I feel sorry for them because they have to listen to the same fucking stories time and time again and see that I don't get better, that that day never comes for me. It has to be tiring for them too.
I ended up hurting myself, which I know doesn't solve anything but my brain kept saying "at least we're not ending it, right?" And, in a way, it's right. Or maybe not.
I'm so tired.

PS: I feel sad for this blog, when I first opened it I thought that things could only look up from there (even if I'm the only one who reads it because I, in fact, made it for myself), but then time - and my self-sabotage - showed me otherwise. Maybe one day it will change. Maybe.

Thoughts

12.01.2018 2:03am
I can't believe it's already the 12th. I'm so stressed out.

I'm feeling too many things, but it's like none at all, because they paralyze me.
I feel the need, the urge (have been feeling it for years now) to run away, to be somewhere else. I know it's not my hometown - I was just there and I kinda wanted to leave. I don't know where I need to go, but I have this pressure in my chest, that just needs me to go somewhere else.
I feel like I need to rip off my skin, just get rid of it. Throw it away. It doesn't make sense.
I need to stop. I don't know it what I need is time to stop or to stop doing what I'm doing and just... Stop thinking, stop worrying, just fucking stop. I need to breathe.
I need to study more, or feel like I've actually memorized something after spending so many hours reading and writing down the same things. Like I'm not just wasting time and money and I won't get to leave this city and graduate next year.
I need to move on, to do something different even if there's uncertainty.
I need to pick up some pieces of me I've left behind by accident, leave there the ones that don't belong with me anymore and find new ones in the path ahead.
I want to know who I am, or who I kinda want to be. I'm tired of being lost within myself. I know people around me have their own perceptions of me and I am someone "defined" to them, but I want to know who I am, or who I think I am. I haven't known for years.
I want to smoke my lungs away and disappear with the fumes of the cigarettes. But then again this year I know I will stop smoking. It's been long enough.
I need to stop feeling this anxiety that becomes so overwhelming to the point where it paralyzes me. If I'm feeling anxious why is it not making me productive? The answer is possibly depression, but I just want them both to fuck off.
I want to hurt myself again. I've successfully stopped myself from doing it for a little while, but I just need to feel something that distracts me from this all that overwhelms me. Five minutes would help. Just five.
I want to love someone, but I also don't because it's never reciprocated. But I have so much love to give it hurts and I feel like I'm either about to explode or die from sadness. It's not enough giving my friends and family love, apparently not anymore. Which fucking sucks.
I want a new body, a new brain, a brand new canvas. A do-over because I keep fucking up and sabotaging myself and I'm tired.
I need to sleep, to finally fix my sleeping schedule, yet here I am, now 2:32am.
I want to hit my head against a wall and stay unconscious for a few hours. Even if my worries won't leave me even while I sleep.
I need strength to finally deal with something I've been avoiding for way too long which keeps getting worse and worse because of my postponing. Because I'm terrified.
I need to scream and punch a wall because I'm frustrated with my life and myself (even though I know I'm privileged and count my blessings). What if I break a bone or two in the process? I'll live. Sadly, I'll live.

I want too much, don't I?
Shit.
Have I wasted more time? Probably so.
2:48am.

Movies watched in 2017

1- Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
2- The Hollars
3- A Single Man
4- How to Plan an Orgy in a Small Town
5- The Good Dinosaur
6- Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them
7- First Girl I Loved
8- Moana
9- The Edge of Seventeen
10- Hunt for the Wilderpeople
11- Long Nights Short Mornings
12-  La La Land
13- Storks
14- The Ring (re-watch)
15- The Ring 2 (re-watch)
16- Scott Pilgrim vs The World
17- Moonlight
18- 21 Jump Street
19- Split
20- 10 Things I Hate About You
21- A Walk to Remember
22- Beauty and the Beast
23- Collateral Beauty
24- Arrival
25- The Space Between Us
26- Les Misérables (re-watch)
27- Les Choristes (re-watch)
28- Lion
29- Dreamgirls
30- Ladrón de Bicicletas
31- The Discovery
32- Friday the 13th (2009)
33- Crimson Peak
34- Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone (re-watch)
35- Singing in the rain (re-watch)
36- Perfetti Sconosciuti
37- Romeo + Juliet
38- Get Out
39- Rogue One
40- Voice from the Stone
41- Colossal
42- Rings
43- Curmudgeons
44- He took his skin off for me
45- Gifted
46- Before I fall
47- Would you rather
48- Bronson
49- The Baby Boss
50- Beauty and the Beast (re-watch)
51- This Beautiful Fantastic
52- Moulin Rouge
53- Cloudy with a chance of meatballs
54- The breakfast club
55- Beginners
56- Hairspray (re-watch)
57- The Oranges
58- The House of Small Cubes
59- Raw
60- Clueless
61- Qu'est-ce qu'on a fait au Bon Dieu?
62- Ovejas asesinas
63- Gru: mi villano favorito 3
64- Lost in translation
65- Murdered for being different
66- Be Somebody
67- Abracadabra
68- Handsome Devil
69- Kamikaze
70- Scream 4 (re-watch)
71- Hurricane Bianca
72- The Truman Show (re-watch)
73- Verónica
74- Accidentally Engaged
75- Bram Stoker's Dracula
76- American Beauty
77- Carrie Pilby
78- La Seducción
79- Young Victoria
80- Oculus
81- IT (1990)
82- The devil wears Prada (re-watch)
83- Gerald's Game
84- The Crucifixion
85- Pieles
86- Cinderella (1950) (re-watch)
87- Kingsman: The Golden Circle
88- Annabelle: Creation
89- The Danish Girl (re-watch)
90- Better watch out
91- Signs
91- Gothika
92- The Addams Family
93- The Butterfly Effect
94- Marrowbone
95- Shrek 2 (re-watch)
96- Saw V
97- Never let me go
98- Buster's Mal Heart
99- Those People
100- Imagine me & you
101- Just like heaven
102- This is your death
103- Maktub
104- Cyberbully
105- Carmina y amén
106- Frozen (re-watch)
107- Rise of the guardians
108- Muriel's wedding

Books of 2017

1- Le piccole virtú - Natalia Ginzburg 3/5
It wasn't a bad book, but it was my first book in Italian and it's really hard to read something with so much new vocabulary and verb conjugations that you haven't learnt yet, so I felt as though I couldn't enjoy as much as if I had read it with a higher Italian level. I must add, that even though I was glad that they were short "chapters" -which in every book helps making it faster to read-, in quite a few of them I found that halfway through I had lost the interest and it had become a tad repetitive and I couldn't wait to just be done with them.

2- Bridget Jones: Mad about the boy - Helen Fielding 3/5
Well, that took forever to finish - at least compared to the other two books. And I know comparisons are odious, but I thought I wasn't going to finish this book until summer (and not necessarily because I have a lot of reading to do for uni). It's not a bad book, but there were some things that pissed me off so much. It could be because I read a couple of reviews before I read the book, but now that I've finished it I still think the same. How come she barely "grows up"? I get it that she stills thinks about sex and wants/needs someone to be by her side after the gap Mark has left. But jeez, is it really THAT important? I get it we have needs but I don't know, it felt like she hadn't grown up and like she only had the children because Mark wanted to. I know that sounds very mean because at times she shows that she cares for them but she has the mindset of a thirty year old - or even younger. I don't know, I just found myself getting really mad at her because neither her nor her friends seemed to have grown up. I know everyone has different priorities (and needs) but most of the time it felt like they were ignoring that over ten/fifteen years (if not more) had passed and they still had the same mindset. It doesn't help the bottle of wine I've had while I was finishing this book to bring out all these thoughts, though it is true I had most of them whilst sober.
Overall, it had some good moments that made me laugh out loud, so I'm giving it three stars instead of the two I was planning to give it throughout a big chunk of the story.
And again, a shitty review by me was born.

3- Seis personajes en busca de autor - Luigi Pirandello 3/5
Since I had to read this one for university, I don't think I enjoyed it as much as I could've. Though I also don't think I would've chosen to read this on my own. It wasn't bad, you can definitely understand the critics the author was making and his own mentality and "issues" that he had. I especially liked how the characters tell the actors that they're not doing a good job, since what they're acting is their view of the story they have told and shown them. They try to be true to the characters, but it's never going to be the same as what "the facts" and their reactions were.

4- El vizconde demediado - Italo Calvino 3/5
No review.

5- Todos deberíamos ser feministas - Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie 5/5
A very good and short book that everybody should read at some point. I would've loved for it to go deeper into some topics, but considering this comes from a Ted Talk (which I believe you are only given up until a certain amount of time) I feel as though is a very good start on feminism, and why people shouldn't be afraid of using it or saying "why not call it equality" or something like that. Will definitely be passing this book around people I know who say they don't believe in feminism or they don't want to call themselves feminists.

6- Billy and me - Giovanna Fletcher 4/5 (could be a 3)
No review.

7- La cantante calva - Eugène Ionesco 3/5
No review.

8- Always with love (Billy and me, #2) - Giovanna Fletcher 3/5 (could be a 4)
No review.

9- Un monstruo viene a verme - Patrick Ness 3/5
I devoured this book because 1) it was really easy to read, with such short chapters and "simple" style and 2) I was waiting for it to make me feel something, which it didn't. I don't know if it is because everyone I talked to told me that both the book and the movie adaptation were really good and that they would make me cry and it just didn't happen for me. I felt sorry for Conor for what we was going through but I knew exactly from the beginning what his "story" was and what he felt and everything, so it didn't surprise me when he said it to the monster. It mostly made me feel sad that the book wasn't making me feel sad, which was what I was looking for and why I chose to read this book next. I was so looking forward to reading it and I looked for the right time to read it and it disappointed me. Maybe I shouldn't have had such high expectations.

10- My life had stood a loaded gun - Emily Dickinson 4/5
I'm pretty sure this is the first book that I read of hers and I really, really enjoyed it. One of my friends is crazy about her poetry so I couldn't wait to read some of her poems. So glad I decided to buy this small compilation.

11- Stranger than fanfiction - Chris Colfer 4/5
It took me a while to really get into this book. I've loved every book Chris Colfer has written (so far), but this one I wasn't so sure about. As with many other books, the first few chapters were a bit hard to push through, but then I couldn't put it down as it made me laugh out loud and cry so much (I wasn't expecting to sob). I loved that he brought such diversity into this story since representation matters so much. I don't know what I was expecting, but this was definitely not it (in the best way). So pleased I picked this book.

12- El coronel no tiene quien le escriba - Gabriel García Márquez 3/5
No review.

13- Queens of geek - Jen Wilde 4/5
No review.

14- Gli innamorati - Carlo Goldoni 1/5
I think there was just one character in this play that I didn't fully hate. I didn't see the point of this story, the characters didn't really dare to make decisions and had no... personality/character. Every page was torture, which makes me really sad because Goldoni is apparently a very important writer but I can't stand what I've read so far of his.

15- La locandiera - Carlo Goldoni 2/5
No review.

16- Mind your head - Juno Dawson 4/5
No review (yet).

Thoughts

22.12.2017 0:22
I went outside to smoke and just as I was walking into our "backyard", I felt amazed, stunned at how beautiful the sky looked. I love the sky, but today I've been staring at it more than usual.
As I stared at it, I thought I saw a shooting star, but it was very faint and fast that I wasn't sure if I had actually seen it.
I thought of Jonghyun, about how people have been saying that he's up there, that somehow last night's (or today's, I'm not sure) blue moon was because of him, to let us know that he's at peace, that his pain is gone.
So I thought "Jonghyun, are you okay? Are you really there? Are you watching? Are you okay now?" And for some reason I thought "Would you give me a sign if you're there and okay?" I didn't expect anything to happen, since I don't really follow any religions and I'm not sure what I believe in.
But just as I had asked for a sign, a very bright and strong shooting star flew across the sky. I almost dropped my cigarette, had that actually happened?
I know, logically, that that star has been dead for years and that there's a big chance that it was just a beautiful coincidence within the universe and me.
Still... Still... I want to believe it was actually him.
That within all the people who are mourning him right this moment, he found me and decided to show me that star.
I didn't really know much about him, I wasn't his biggest fan, but I cared about him, and every time someone commits suicide it touches a part of me that hurts more than when someone dies of natural (or disease) cause.
Jonghyun, thank you for that sign and for offering me a wish. You worked hard, you did well, but the world didn't deserve you and I'm so deeply sorry that you had to endure so much pain. Rest now, you deserve it.
And to the sky and the universe, thank you for your overwhelming beauty.

Musical Sundays

"Break the silence, damn the dark, damn the light."

Musical Sundays

"It makes you wonder if your thoughts are trying to accomplish so much more

but with always overthinking everything traps you inside."