Holding on

I began writing this entry on April, and I ended putting it off for later and now a month has gone by. What the hell.
I know I had an agreement with myself about this blog being more of a casual thing, writing whenever I felt like writing and about whatever I felt like writing. But, dude, a MONTH??

Anyway, here I am now, ready (kind of) to write a little (or maybe big, who knows) life update. I feel like I need to write it down, so it's more real and it feels like I'm actually moving forward.


I don't know where to start.
Basically, one day, I couldn't keep myself together anymore. I broke down, started crying and spent a whole day with continuous panic attacks. I already knew that I had to do something about it, but that day I felt it for real. I felt like I wasn't going to get to the next week if I didn't even just plan on how to do it (if that makes any sense, I don't know how to explain it).

It had to start with my mum. I knew that once I told her, things will start moving.
So I skyped with her (don't remember if that same night or the next) and started hinting that I was really bad, that I had been for a very long time and that I didn't know how long I could keep hanging on. Then I started crying and she said "okay, it's very obvious you have depression, next week when you come home you'll go to therapy". That was such a great relief already.
I can't imagine how hard it must have been for her, to think your child has depression, is broken into pieces and can't imagine her future anymore, doesn't even care about it. I know I would blame myself. But it's not her fault, she really has done her best to raise me into a good, healthy person, there just have been other factors coming into the mix.

Therapy is going well, every time I go to it I leave feeling so much better and they send me "homework" so I can keep getting better. The problem is that I can't go as often as I'd like to (because a) I don't live where I go to it and b) because it's expensive) and almost a week after a session, I start feeling very down again. I hope this summer I can go every week, I want to get a job to pay for it, because my mum already gives me enough money as it is and I can't ask my dad, he would make everything just go to hell.
There's also another problem, and it is that until I finish my exams, I don't think I'll be able to go again to therapy, the last session was around three weeks ago and I'm feeling very, very down again, although I know I won't have another breakdown. So even if I have days when I just don't give a fuck about living, I can keep it together. Sort of.

By the end of summer, I hope I'll be feeling much better, I hope I'll have energy to do my best at uni (I really have to get better at uni, this year is going to end up as a fucking mess), I hope I'll get back to writing, because although it's my one true passion, I've barely been writing anything - and I know it's not writer's block.

I feel as if I don't start getting myself together soon and start actively living my life, I'll achieve nothing and end up having a crappy future. And I don't want that.

So although I'm trying not to be too hard on myself (my therapist is always telling me I punish myself too much), I want to keep this blog active and upload at least once a week.
From now on, once a week (it will probably be on Sundays), I'll upload like the song of the week. Even if I haven't listened to that song that week, I'll just post I like and share it with you (or just with me, in case no one sees it).
Then I want to keep reviewing movies and adding books, so when I have time I'll google "how to review" so I can be better at it, because I know I suck at reviewing and it pains me.
And last but not least (or, well, maybe), I will post DIYs, but that won't be very often. Sometimes I have good ideas and although I'm not very good at crafting I really enjoy doing it and every now and then, I get a good result so yeah, I will share them whenever I think that it's not something too silly.

I have a few entries in mind that I'll try to write today/this weekend to get them queued up so this blog starts moving, so stay tuned!