Musical Sundays

"We are not permanent. We're temporary, temporary. Same old story."

Musical Sundays

"I can't help but pull the earth around me to make my bed."

The book of life

"Manolo, a young man who is torn between fulfilling the expectations of his family and following his heart, embarks on an adventure that spans three fantastic worlds where he must face his greatest fears." - IMDb

I decided to watch this movie because one of my roommates kept telling me to do it like, all the time. I'm so glad I gave it a go.

When you first start watching the trailer, or the movie, like I did, you might think "what are these strange creatures?" and also "this is a kids movie", but as you keep watching, you stop thinking that. At least, I stopped thinking about how strange their bodies are and started appreciating just the whole aesthetic of the movie (which I personally LOVED).

Something I also really enjoyed about this movie is the soundtrack. You get to listen to popular/known songs (at least they were to me) covered in a way you don't really get to listen to between the thousand covers you find on YouTube. It also has at least a couple songs that are original and it just makes it so great.
I must say, it's not a musical. Even if it has all these songs, it can't be considered a musical. In case there's someone out there that was thinking "ugh, no, a musical". Do not fear.

And that's it! As always, I leave you here the trailer to the movie. Enjoy!

Musical Sundays

First song of the week: Crossfire by Brandon Flowers.

Holding on

I began writing this entry on April, and I ended putting it off for later and now a month has gone by. What the hell.
I know I had an agreement with myself about this blog being more of a casual thing, writing whenever I felt like writing and about whatever I felt like writing. But, dude, a MONTH??

Anyway, here I am now, ready (kind of) to write a little (or maybe big, who knows) life update. I feel like I need to write it down, so it's more real and it feels like I'm actually moving forward.


I don't know where to start.
Basically, one day, I couldn't keep myself together anymore. I broke down, started crying and spent a whole day with continuous panic attacks. I already knew that I had to do something about it, but that day I felt it for real. I felt like I wasn't going to get to the next week if I didn't even just plan on how to do it (if that makes any sense, I don't know how to explain it).

It had to start with my mum. I knew that once I told her, things will start moving.
So I skyped with her (don't remember if that same night or the next) and started hinting that I was really bad, that I had been for a very long time and that I didn't know how long I could keep hanging on. Then I started crying and she said "okay, it's very obvious you have depression, next week when you come home you'll go to therapy". That was such a great relief already.
I can't imagine how hard it must have been for her, to think your child has depression, is broken into pieces and can't imagine her future anymore, doesn't even care about it. I know I would blame myself. But it's not her fault, she really has done her best to raise me into a good, healthy person, there just have been other factors coming into the mix.

Therapy is going well, every time I go to it I leave feeling so much better and they send me "homework" so I can keep getting better. The problem is that I can't go as often as I'd like to (because a) I don't live where I go to it and b) because it's expensive) and almost a week after a session, I start feeling very down again. I hope this summer I can go every week, I want to get a job to pay for it, because my mum already gives me enough money as it is and I can't ask my dad, he would make everything just go to hell.
There's also another problem, and it is that until I finish my exams, I don't think I'll be able to go again to therapy, the last session was around three weeks ago and I'm feeling very, very down again, although I know I won't have another breakdown. So even if I have days when I just don't give a fuck about living, I can keep it together. Sort of.

By the end of summer, I hope I'll be feeling much better, I hope I'll have energy to do my best at uni (I really have to get better at uni, this year is going to end up as a fucking mess), I hope I'll get back to writing, because although it's my one true passion, I've barely been writing anything - and I know it's not writer's block.

I feel as if I don't start getting myself together soon and start actively living my life, I'll achieve nothing and end up having a crappy future. And I don't want that.

So although I'm trying not to be too hard on myself (my therapist is always telling me I punish myself too much), I want to keep this blog active and upload at least once a week.
From now on, once a week (it will probably be on Sundays), I'll upload like the song of the week. Even if I haven't listened to that song that week, I'll just post I like and share it with you (or just with me, in case no one sees it).
Then I want to keep reviewing movies and adding books, so when I have time I'll google "how to review" so I can be better at it, because I know I suck at reviewing and it pains me.
And last but not least (or, well, maybe), I will post DIYs, but that won't be very often. Sometimes I have good ideas and although I'm not very good at crafting I really enjoy doing it and every now and then, I get a good result so yeah, I will share them whenever I think that it's not something too silly.

I have a few entries in mind that I'll try to write today/this weekend to get them queued up so this blog starts moving, so stay tuned!

Still Alice

"A linguistics professor and her family find their bonds tested when she is diagnosed with Early-onset Alzheimer's Disease." - IMDb

Oh, this movie. My mum wouldn't stop talking about it since she watched it and she was totally right to do so. It was amazing.

I love dramas in general, and the fact that this wasn't a romantic drama made it so much better. Not because I think romantic dramas are bad, I'm usually into romantic dramas, but I'm really picky with them. There are also plenty of family dramas, but this wasn't a typical one.

This movie explores Alzheimer, it shows you how it affects a person, and not in a "this old person at 80 has started showing signs/has just been diagnosed/etc" way, but from the perspective of an adult that still has so many years left to live and that her life depends on her brain capacity (to explain it in some way) and how she tries to prepare herself for when she starts losing herself and becoming just a body (that's the way I see it in my grandmother and other relatives, it leaves you as an empty shell).

It also shows the reactions of the people around that one person with Alzheimer: some blame her because it's an hereditary disease (like you can choose what you get), so there's a chance you can develop it; some decide to step out and kinda ignore the "problem"; and other sacrifice their lives to take care of that person, even if always, at some point, it's best if that person is taken care by nurses/professionals.

I just thought it was very interesting and beautiful though heartbreaking.

Also Julianne Moore is awesome and Hunter Parrish is on it too *wiggles eyebrows*

So if you're ready to shed a tear or two, or just feel interested about the movie I totally recommend you watch it, it's worth it.

As always, here I leave you the trailer in case you're interested. Enjoy!

Love, Rosie

"Rosie and Alex have been best friends since they were 5, so they couldn't possibly be right for one another... or could they? When it comes to love, life and making the right choices, these two are their own worst enemies." -IMDb

So between the latter half of February and the first half of March that I've been kinda "out" (of myself, not out on the street), I started watching some movies that I had on my "to watch" list and that I hadn't come around to do it because I always end up watching tv shows for some reason.

So, in order to compensate the lack of entries here and writing in my life in general, I decided to talk to you a little about them and then you decide if you want to watch them or not.

The movie that I'm going to talk about in this entry is "Love, Rosie", as you may have guessed by the title.

First of all, I'm not much of a romantic movies watcher - though I might end up doing it quite a lot because they're usually easy. You can watch one and not have to think about it or anything else, you're just there, watching it.
But when I saw the trailer of this movie, I knew I was going to love it - and I was so right.

Yes, it is a love story and has some things that happen in every goddamn romantic movie, but this one was actually different. It had details and topics and just basically things (I don't want to spoil if for you if you haven't watched and might be interested in doing so) that if I have seen in other movies, it has probably been in one or two maximum.

In total seriousness and honesty now, the feeling at the end of it, was the one of a different type or romantic love story.
Also Sam Claflin (and Lily Collins if I'm honest), am I right?

I leave you here the trailer of "Love, Rosie", so you don't have to google it yourself and lose interest on it. Hope you enjoy it!

Goodbye, Glee.

It's been a few hours since I watched the series finale, so now that I feel more calmed down, I decided it was time to write this entry.

I don't know where to start. This tv show, oh man, it had a couple of seasons in which I thought I was going to stop watching it, or at least take it easy and watch it whenever I had time. But I couldn't, there was something that made me keep watching if not live (because it was at 3 am here) then the next morning as soon as I woke up. And I'm glad I kept watching until the very end.

Six years have passed now since a friend told me about this new show that had just started and I was most likely going to love because it was a musical. I was a teenager when it all started, now I'm an adult (not really, but kinda) and it feels so... weird to know that that was it, that Glee ended. I'm so glad I got to live it and "meet" so many wonderful actors, some of which form part of my favorite authors and musicians now, and who I'll never, ever forget.

I know that when I'm old, I'll still remember this show, I'll still be a fan of it. I'll listen to the songs they've sung and I'll still watch episodes every now and then. It's become a part of my life, a part of who I am.

This show, even when it had things that just made you want to quit it, has changed the world in some small way. It has made people more accepting, it has given courage to others, it has created very strong friendships all around the world. It made us, the underdogs, feel better about ourselves. It covered topics that not any other show has covered. It has given hope, strength, happiness, love. It showed us that dreams can come true, that it gets better, if you just keep holding on and trying.

I'll try my best not to burst into tears whenever "Dont' stop believing" comes on the radio, and when I'm somewhere where there's music playing and I hear a song that Glee covered I'll inform about it whoever I'm with at that moment with intensity. And probably my heart going crazy.

All I have left to say (because I'm trying not to cry again and that's making me take too much time writing this) is a massive thank you to Glee. It was a pleasure, and I promise I'll never forget you, your songs and your gleefulness.

"The show must go... all over the place... or something."

Stuck.

I've been putting off writing this entry for a week now, because I don't want to face reality.
Last week, the last time I opened a document to start writing it, this was going to be kind of positive, I was going to try to cheer myself up with this. But then I put it off until later.
And now I can't.
I can't write a positive entry.
I want to. But I can't.

I thought that as the days would go by, being back here (even if it isn't the same as before) would get easier until it would feel natural as it did before. That's what I thought last week.
This week I realized it hasn't gotten any easier. Being here just keeps getting harder and harder and it doesn't seem to stop.

I haven't been to a single class this week. Not one. And the fact that there was a strike hasn't helped for the rest of the days.
I've barely left the house. I get all panicky even if I'm just going to the supermarket. It feels like a mountain just going there, I come back exhausted - even if I'm out for less than twenty minutes.
My sleep schedule has gone crazy again. Either I don't get any sleep, or I sleep day and night with no stop. But it's a restless sleep.
I'm jumpy. Every noise makes me jump or make my hands/arms/legs spasm.
The only thing that comforts me is eating soup, and I've been having food cravings that I try not to fall in because I want to keep my "diet" (I'm not on one, I just think that's the right word) as similar as it was in Germany.
I've felt the push towards smoking again, and I have caved in, even if I smoke just one cigarette a day. I've fallen.
I don't feel safe. I'm shaking most of the time. Sometimes I'm calm here, in my apartment, but then I start feeling... yeah, unsafe. Uncomfortable. And it's not because of my roommates, I really like them and I've been spending a lot of time with one of them.
I don't talk to anyone. No one knows if there's something going on with me - which is completely different from years ago. I used to just share my feelings so openly. Now no one can rip them off of me. And I want to share them with someone (though at the same time I don't want to have to talk so much), because it's come to a point that I think I might need help, but no one takes me seriously because 1) I have been in this state (though never this low) for years now and they just know me this way and 2) I'm not saying "oh, I have horrible anxiety" all the fucking time like some people do, and though it might actually help and get someone's attention, I don't want to do it.
My mom doesn't take me seriously, it's like she doesn't care or she doesn't want to see it, even if I talked to her on Skype the other night and she saw how big/deep/dark the circles under my eyes have gotten and how tired I looked, she just brushed it off. I don't feel comfortable anymore talking to her about things like this, because years ago she basically told me that I was being stupid.
The good thing is that I don't cry, at least not for me. Of course, I still cry with books and movies, but never because I hurt so much.

But I feel like I need help now. I need either someone or something to get me out of bed every morning and just motivate (?) me to go to uni and, not even that, just live.

Everything feels like such a big effort for which I don't have enough strength. And then because I don't do it, my conscience punishes me 24/7 and I'm shaking and my heartbeat goes crazy.

I'm keeping myself from crawling to the end of my bed and hide in the little space there. I feel like if I go there, I won't be getting out any time soon.

I've had lows, really, really deep lows, but right now I feel at my lowest.

I have to do something this time, I can't be like this forever. Because that forever feels terribly short this way.

On to the next adventure. Or maybe not.

I have such mixed feelings, but I'm trying to stay positive by listening to Taylor Swift's "Shake it off" (weird of me but, hey, if it helps, it helps) so I won't cry in front of all these elder people around me at the airport.

Living here has been a goddamn roller coaster. But the overall feeling is a good one that has me feeling nostalgic already and that in many years will still do the same.
I don't even know where to start. This is probably going to be a goddamn mess because I'm just going to write as it comes to my mind.
There have been moments where I've been desperate to go back home and forget about all of it, especially at the beginning, with all the uni problems I was having. But when things calmed down I just wanted to stay here longer. I still do. Not forever, I haven't found my true home here in Düsseldorf, but I would live here for maybe two or three years.
This city isn't perfect, it isn't. But it has made me feel so welcomed, and I got used to it so fast it surprised me. It took me maybe a couple days. Not like when I went to uni, where it took me maybe two weeks.
Even if I carry baggage from my life, coming here offered me an almost complete fresh start. And I so appreciated it.

Meeting Büke. I feel like that has been the greatest thing that has happened to me here. She's amazing. Honestly, she's such a good person. We have been there for each other at any moment of need. And... I don't know, knowing she's my friend and having shared these four months with her makes me feel so goddamn lucky. I miss her, and I hope that we really get to meet in the future, because I don't want to lose such a positive influence in my life. I feel like she has made me a better person. Oh god, I'm gonna cry.
My roommates were also good. They had some things that at times drove me crazy and made me mad, but they are great people and at the end we have come to really appreciate each other and I'd be lying if I said that I won't miss them. I already do, this week would've been so much better if I had still been living with them.

And I went to Amsterdam. How great is that? I always knew that at some point in my life I was going to visit that beautiful city, but I definitely wasn't expecting to go so soon. Also, sharing that trip with Büke made it more amazing.

*pause to appreciate the cuteness of an elder woman who just sat down and she's so tiny she can't reach the floor with her feet so she's moving them in the air looking happy*

The only "negative" thing about all of this is all the paperwork. I wouldn't repeat an Erasmus just because of the goddamn paperwork problems and the lack of information from my university. I'm gonna have so many problems when I go back. But I don't care about that. One way or another, I will solve it and move on with life, like I always do.

Now, going back to Spain. Ugh.
I've always hated my hometown, it makes me feel like when I was in primary school and everybody hated me and I had no friends and I just hated life so much. Alcoy is a prison to me, like a cage, it makes me feel a little claustrophobic just the thought of going back. I feel like a loser when I'm there, even if I'm not anymore. Or at least not as much as I used to be.
Going back to Valencia... Yeah, that's better, but now I'm gonna be alone in class and I just hate my degree. But living in Valencia it's always better than living in Alcoy. I'm trying to stay as positive as possible.
Also, I have the feeling that this time I'm going back not for long.

I feel I've grown up a lot, and I feel a little different, even if I know I'm still the same.

Now I have to go, my plane leaves in a few minutes and I need to get ready.

See you soon, Germany. Thanks for the experience.