Musical Sundays

"I am not myself today. I am not feeling okay."

Musical Sundays

"Wake from your sleep, the drying of your tears. Today, we escape. We escape."

About friendship, or something like that.

I'm not sure what day it is. 10.05.2015?

I've always been rubbish at keeping in touch with the people I care about. That's just common Rachel knowledge. But today I'm specially pissed off about it.

For weeks now, maybe even a month, I've been wanting to text Alejandra and just meet up with her because we barely see each other anymore and I guess that in some way I miss her. I mean, we lived together for two years, not even I can be that heartless.

And yesterday she texted me, which made me feel bad but I told her right away that we had to hang out and we agreed on today. But we didn't say a time, which was a mistake. I just thought I would text her today and we could meet and catch up on each other's lives.

I wasn't expecting to wake up in such a bad mood. Or maybe not bad mood, but one of my moods.
Although I didn't notice right away that it was happening.

And so I kept putting off texting her until my brain decided that we weren't going out today and that we had to come up with an excuse for it. Excuse that I've thought of three (or more) hours ago and that now by 9 pm I still haven't given her. To be honest, I might not text her at all.

I guess I could tell her the truth, she's my friend after all, but I know, I KNOW, she would tell me to go out with her tonight and get over it. She knows a lot about be, but she wouldn't understand. And I don't wanna explain. She's one of those people who just doesn't get it. I don't need her to understand depression (I haven't told her but I'm sure she knows by now), I just need her to understand that not everyone is the same.
Or maybe I just need her not to think that going out is the cure to everything.

Anyway, even if I have just complained about her (such news), I still wanted to just spend some time with her. That would've been a step towards my "getting better at keeping in touch with people" milestone that I apparently set for myself last night after suddenly talking with Írem and she telling me "you should write sometimes" (I know, I'm sorry).

So today, instead of going out for a couple hours, getting coffee and chatting with a friend, I'm just going to stay in my room by myself, boring my ass off. What an amazing fucking life.
Riveting.

Fuck off, me.

Goodbye, My Mad Fat Diary.

(there might be spoilers here, I will warn you when they're coming)

Originally, I wasn't going to write this entry - I just hadn't thought about it. As you may have noticed, I haven't felt like writing lately (except for like two days), so I was going to wait until I was done with exams, done with all the stuff I have to do here and back home and then give myself a try again. Because writing is all I can and know how to do.

I'm getting away from the point.

I decided to watch it early (it's Sunday night when I'm writing this), because 1) this season they've been giving links to watch them early (which I'm not fond of, but this time it has actually been helpful) and most importantly 2) on Tuesday (when this entry has gone up) I have my last final and I knew I was going to be a crying mess and be thinking about it and I need to be focused because I'm so very screwed if I don't pass that one.

And excuse me for getting away from the point, once again.

Prepare to watch it happen more times during this entry.

(Sorry.)

So, My Mad Fat Diary.

Most of you, nonexistent readers, might not know anything about this. And up until two to three years ago, I was the same. So I'm going to do a little bit of an introduction to the whole of it.

My Mad Fat Diary is a British show inspired by/adapted from Rae Earl's teenage diaries, which she decided to publish and I'm so fucking grateful for that.

Here's a link for book one and book two.

At first I heard about this book that was the diary of a girl with my same name, also fat, also a teenager, also mad (I never really considered myself to be mad though I knew there was something wrong with me). There were too many coincidences as to ignore it. By the time I didn't dare (also wasn't allowed, I believe) to buy things online, so I just said to myself "one day".

Some time after (could be weeks, could be months, I don't remember), I found out they had made a tv show inspired by/adapted from it and that that same week they were airing the last episode of the first season. So there I went. And I'm so glad I did.

The thing about these books and this show it's that it's actually, for realskies, different than anything else you might have read or watched. You never see on tv a fat girl (or anyone, really, other than a man) talking about masturbation, about her mental health issues (and them not being treated as a joke or lightly) and getting really deep into them and mainly that affects her, her relationship with her mum and her friends (which she doesn't really have at the beginning) and (I have to mention this or it would bug me forever) about AMAZING music.

(pause to complain about how hard it is to write this without giving away any spoilers)

As a person who has gone through (and still is) a lot of the same issues as Rae (the real one, author and protagonist of the diaries and tv version, with just slight changes) I have to say that both the books and the show can be (very) triggering at times. It can be super harsh, like it gets to a point where you think there can be no return (which led to a lot of fandom drama but we won't get into that any further than to say that life can be that hard, and it can get even worse, just because it's a tv show doesn't mean it has to be all easy with fluffy clouds, rainbows and unicorns) and that, that really gets you. Especially *spoiler* season 2, where you see Rae's downfall, which led me to remember things I didn't think about anymore. But at the same time, it has helped me more than I can see.

Now that I've finished watching the show and that I'm almost halfway through the second book, there are things that make me feel proud of myself. I see things that Rae has accomplished that I also have, things that thanks to all of this, I can see from an outside point to view, and reevaluate my choices, my actions, my behavior.

And I just realised that. Up until right now whenever I read something about how much the show encouraged people get help and get better I thought "awww, that's so great" and felt happy for them.

(I didn't want to make this about me, but it has happened - it's my blog after all, isn't it?) People, well, close friends, my mum and my therapist tell me that I'm too hard on myself and that's why I always felt outside of that "this show has helped me" group of people. Because for so long I can't remember, I've been forcing myself to think that I'm okay, even now that I'm getting help. I still force myself to think that I'm fine.

So even if the show is triggering and at times really harsh, it's all worth it. Because representation on the media matters so much than anyone can imagine and this needed to be out there, and taken seriously and in depth.

All I have left to say is a massive thank you to Rae Earl, for putting herself out there to show people that it does get better for everyone, mentally ill or not (even if it's so hard to believe most of the time), she's an example of it; to Sharon Rooney, for portraying her so perfectly and just being a wonderful human being in general; to the rest of the cast, because each one of them gave a little bit of themselves to their characters and that made them even better - I really can't imagine anyone else playing those characters; and finally the crew, for putting together such a wonderful show. 

Thank you.

I'll miss you, and I'll keep re-watching you regularly as I've been to encourage myself to keep on going, even if I didn't know I was doing it.

"Dear Diary,

That's the secret I reckon. 

You don't need fixed ideas about who you are or where you're headed. 

You just need to be ready to cope with whatever crap comes your way.

And as for all the crazy shit, the mental screw-ups and the madness...

Well that's mine, dear Diary.

I get to keep that.

That travels with me."

Musical Sundays

"In the paper today tales of war and of waste, but you turn right over to the TV page."

Musical Sundays

"My bones they ache under the weight that they take. Of the world in my arms there's no air in my lungs. If I breathe you in I am scared I will drown. Scared that if I get in I will never get out."

Musical Sundays

"No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town."

Musical Sundays

Musical Sundays

"So please don't stay in touch."

Musical Sundays

"We are not permanent. We're temporary, temporary. Same old story."

Musical Sundays

"I can't help but pull the earth around me to make my bed."

The book of life

"Manolo, a young man who is torn between fulfilling the expectations of his family and following his heart, embarks on an adventure that spans three fantastic worlds where he must face his greatest fears." - IMDb

I decided to watch this movie because one of my roommates kept telling me to do it like, all the time. I'm so glad I gave it a go.

When you first start watching the trailer, or the movie, like I did, you might think "what are these strange creatures?" and also "this is a kids movie", but as you keep watching, you stop thinking that. At least, I stopped thinking about how strange their bodies are and started appreciating just the whole aesthetic of the movie (which I personally LOVED).

Something I also really enjoyed about this movie is the soundtrack. You get to listen to popular/known songs (at least they were to me) covered in a way you don't really get to listen to between the thousand covers you find on YouTube. It also has at least a couple songs that are original and it just makes it so great.
I must say, it's not a musical. Even if it has all these songs, it can't be considered a musical. In case there's someone out there that was thinking "ugh, no, a musical". Do not fear.

And that's it! As always, I leave you here the trailer to the movie. Enjoy!

Musical Sundays

First song of the week: Crossfire by Brandon Flowers.

Holding on

I began writing this entry on April, and I ended putting it off for later and now a month has gone by. What the hell.
I know I had an agreement with myself about this blog being more of a casual thing, writing whenever I felt like writing and about whatever I felt like writing. But, dude, a MONTH??

Anyway, here I am now, ready (kind of) to write a little (or maybe big, who knows) life update. I feel like I need to write it down, so it's more real and it feels like I'm actually moving forward.


I don't know where to start.
Basically, one day, I couldn't keep myself together anymore. I broke down, started crying and spent a whole day with continuous panic attacks. I already knew that I had to do something about it, but that day I felt it for real. I felt like I wasn't going to get to the next week if I didn't even just plan on how to do it (if that makes any sense, I don't know how to explain it).

It had to start with my mum. I knew that once I told her, things will start moving.
So I skyped with her (don't remember if that same night or the next) and started hinting that I was really bad, that I had been for a very long time and that I didn't know how long I could keep hanging on. Then I started crying and she said "okay, it's very obvious you have depression, next week when you come home you'll go to therapy". That was such a great relief already.
I can't imagine how hard it must have been for her, to think your child has depression, is broken into pieces and can't imagine her future anymore, doesn't even care about it. I know I would blame myself. But it's not her fault, she really has done her best to raise me into a good, healthy person, there just have been other factors coming into the mix.

Therapy is going well, every time I go to it I leave feeling so much better and they send me "homework" so I can keep getting better. The problem is that I can't go as often as I'd like to (because a) I don't live where I go to it and b) because it's expensive) and almost a week after a session, I start feeling very down again. I hope this summer I can go every week, I want to get a job to pay for it, because my mum already gives me enough money as it is and I can't ask my dad, he would make everything just go to hell.
There's also another problem, and it is that until I finish my exams, I don't think I'll be able to go again to therapy, the last session was around three weeks ago and I'm feeling very, very down again, although I know I won't have another breakdown. So even if I have days when I just don't give a fuck about living, I can keep it together. Sort of.

By the end of summer, I hope I'll be feeling much better, I hope I'll have energy to do my best at uni (I really have to get better at uni, this year is going to end up as a fucking mess), I hope I'll get back to writing, because although it's my one true passion, I've barely been writing anything - and I know it's not writer's block.

I feel as if I don't start getting myself together soon and start actively living my life, I'll achieve nothing and end up having a crappy future. And I don't want that.

So although I'm trying not to be too hard on myself (my therapist is always telling me I punish myself too much), I want to keep this blog active and upload at least once a week.
From now on, once a week (it will probably be on Sundays), I'll upload like the song of the week. Even if I haven't listened to that song that week, I'll just post I like and share it with you (or just with me, in case no one sees it).
Then I want to keep reviewing movies and adding books, so when I have time I'll google "how to review" so I can be better at it, because I know I suck at reviewing and it pains me.
And last but not least (or, well, maybe), I will post DIYs, but that won't be very often. Sometimes I have good ideas and although I'm not very good at crafting I really enjoy doing it and every now and then, I get a good result so yeah, I will share them whenever I think that it's not something too silly.

I have a few entries in mind that I'll try to write today/this weekend to get them queued up so this blog starts moving, so stay tuned!

Still Alice

"A linguistics professor and her family find their bonds tested when she is diagnosed with Early-onset Alzheimer's Disease." - IMDb

Oh, this movie. My mum wouldn't stop talking about it since she watched it and she was totally right to do so. It was amazing.

I love dramas in general, and the fact that this wasn't a romantic drama made it so much better. Not because I think romantic dramas are bad, I'm usually into romantic dramas, but I'm really picky with them. There are also plenty of family dramas, but this wasn't a typical one.

This movie explores Alzheimer, it shows you how it affects a person, and not in a "this old person at 80 has started showing signs/has just been diagnosed/etc" way, but from the perspective of an adult that still has so many years left to live and that her life depends on her brain capacity (to explain it in some way) and how she tries to prepare herself for when she starts losing herself and becoming just a body (that's the way I see it in my grandmother and other relatives, it leaves you as an empty shell).

It also shows the reactions of the people around that one person with Alzheimer: some blame her because it's an hereditary disease (like you can choose what you get), so there's a chance you can develop it; some decide to step out and kinda ignore the "problem"; and other sacrifice their lives to take care of that person, even if always, at some point, it's best if that person is taken care by nurses/professionals.

I just thought it was very interesting and beautiful though heartbreaking.

Also Julianne Moore is awesome and Hunter Parrish is on it too *wiggles eyebrows*

So if you're ready to shed a tear or two, or just feel interested about the movie I totally recommend you watch it, it's worth it.

As always, here I leave you the trailer in case you're interested. Enjoy!

Love, Rosie

"Rosie and Alex have been best friends since they were 5, so they couldn't possibly be right for one another... or could they? When it comes to love, life and making the right choices, these two are their own worst enemies." -IMDb

So between the latter half of February and the first half of March that I've been kinda "out" (of myself, not out on the street), I started watching some movies that I had on my "to watch" list and that I hadn't come around to do it because I always end up watching tv shows for some reason.

So, in order to compensate the lack of entries here and writing in my life in general, I decided to talk to you a little about them and then you decide if you want to watch them or not.

The movie that I'm going to talk about in this entry is "Love, Rosie", as you may have guessed by the title.

First of all, I'm not much of a romantic movies watcher - though I might end up doing it quite a lot because they're usually easy. You can watch one and not have to think about it or anything else, you're just there, watching it.
But when I saw the trailer of this movie, I knew I was going to love it - and I was so right.

Yes, it is a love story and has some things that happen in every goddamn romantic movie, but this one was actually different. It had details and topics and just basically things (I don't want to spoil if for you if you haven't watched and might be interested in doing so) that if I have seen in other movies, it has probably been in one or two maximum.

In total seriousness and honesty now, the feeling at the end of it, was the one of a different type or romantic love story.
Also Sam Claflin (and Lily Collins if I'm honest), am I right?

I leave you here the trailer of "Love, Rosie", so you don't have to google it yourself and lose interest on it. Hope you enjoy it!

Goodbye, Glee.

It's been a few hours since I watched the series finale, so now that I feel more calmed down, I decided it was time to write this entry.

I don't know where to start. This tv show, oh man, it had a couple of seasons in which I thought I was going to stop watching it, or at least take it easy and watch it whenever I had time. But I couldn't, there was something that made me keep watching if not live (because it was at 3 am here) then the next morning as soon as I woke up. And I'm glad I kept watching until the very end.

Six years have passed now since a friend told me about this new show that had just started and I was most likely going to love because it was a musical. I was a teenager when it all started, now I'm an adult (not really, but kinda) and it feels so... weird to know that that was it, that Glee ended. I'm so glad I got to live it and "meet" so many wonderful actors, some of which form part of my favorite authors and musicians now, and who I'll never, ever forget.

I know that when I'm old, I'll still remember this show, I'll still be a fan of it. I'll listen to the songs they've sung and I'll still watch episodes every now and then. It's become a part of my life, a part of who I am.

This show, even when it had things that just made you want to quit it, has changed the world in some small way. It has made people more accepting, it has given courage to others, it has created very strong friendships all around the world. It made us, the underdogs, feel better about ourselves. It covered topics that not any other show has covered. It has given hope, strength, happiness, love. It showed us that dreams can come true, that it gets better, if you just keep holding on and trying.

I'll try my best not to burst into tears whenever "Dont' stop believing" comes on the radio, and when I'm somewhere where there's music playing and I hear a song that Glee covered I'll inform about it whoever I'm with at that moment with intensity. And probably my heart going crazy.

All I have left to say (because I'm trying not to cry again and that's making me take too much time writing this) is a massive thank you to Glee. It was a pleasure, and I promise I'll never forget you, your songs and your gleefulness.

"The show must go... all over the place... or something."

Stuck.

I've been putting off writing this entry for a week now, because I don't want to face reality.
Last week, the last time I opened a document to start writing it, this was going to be kind of positive, I was going to try to cheer myself up with this. But then I put it off until later.
And now I can't.
I can't write a positive entry.
I want to. But I can't.

I thought that as the days would go by, being back here (even if it isn't the same as before) would get easier until it would feel natural as it did before. That's what I thought last week.
This week I realized it hasn't gotten any easier. Being here just keeps getting harder and harder and it doesn't seem to stop.

I haven't been to a single class this week. Not one. And the fact that there was a strike hasn't helped for the rest of the days.
I've barely left the house. I get all panicky even if I'm just going to the supermarket. It feels like a mountain just going there, I come back exhausted - even if I'm out for less than twenty minutes.
My sleep schedule has gone crazy again. Either I don't get any sleep, or I sleep day and night with no stop. But it's a restless sleep.
I'm jumpy. Every noise makes me jump or make my hands/arms/legs spasm.
The only thing that comforts me is eating soup, and I've been having food cravings that I try not to fall in because I want to keep my "diet" (I'm not on one, I just think that's the right word) as similar as it was in Germany.
I've felt the push towards smoking again, and I have caved in, even if I smoke just one cigarette a day. I've fallen.
I don't feel safe. I'm shaking most of the time. Sometimes I'm calm here, in my apartment, but then I start feeling... yeah, unsafe. Uncomfortable. And it's not because of my roommates, I really like them and I've been spending a lot of time with one of them.
I don't talk to anyone. No one knows if there's something going on with me - which is completely different from years ago. I used to just share my feelings so openly. Now no one can rip them off of me. And I want to share them with someone (though at the same time I don't want to have to talk so much), because it's come to a point that I think I might need help, but no one takes me seriously because 1) I have been in this state (though never this low) for years now and they just know me this way and 2) I'm not saying "oh, I have horrible anxiety" all the fucking time like some people do, and though it might actually help and get someone's attention, I don't want to do it.
My mom doesn't take me seriously, it's like she doesn't care or she doesn't want to see it, even if I talked to her on Skype the other night and she saw how big/deep/dark the circles under my eyes have gotten and how tired I looked, she just brushed it off. I don't feel comfortable anymore talking to her about things like this, because years ago she basically told me that I was being stupid.
The good thing is that I don't cry, at least not for me. Of course, I still cry with books and movies, but never because I hurt so much.

But I feel like I need help now. I need either someone or something to get me out of bed every morning and just motivate (?) me to go to uni and, not even that, just live.

Everything feels like such a big effort for which I don't have enough strength. And then because I don't do it, my conscience punishes me 24/7 and I'm shaking and my heartbeat goes crazy.

I'm keeping myself from crawling to the end of my bed and hide in the little space there. I feel like if I go there, I won't be getting out any time soon.

I've had lows, really, really deep lows, but right now I feel at my lowest.

I have to do something this time, I can't be like this forever. Because that forever feels terribly short this way.

On to the next adventure. Or maybe not.

I have such mixed feelings, but I'm trying to stay positive by listening to Taylor Swift's "Shake it off" (weird of me but, hey, if it helps, it helps) so I won't cry in front of all these elder people around me at the airport.

Living here has been a goddamn roller coaster. But the overall feeling is a good one that has me feeling nostalgic already and that in many years will still do the same.
I don't even know where to start. This is probably going to be a goddamn mess because I'm just going to write as it comes to my mind.
There have been moments where I've been desperate to go back home and forget about all of it, especially at the beginning, with all the uni problems I was having. But when things calmed down I just wanted to stay here longer. I still do. Not forever, I haven't found my true home here in Düsseldorf, but I would live here for maybe two or three years.
This city isn't perfect, it isn't. But it has made me feel so welcomed, and I got used to it so fast it surprised me. It took me maybe a couple days. Not like when I went to uni, where it took me maybe two weeks.
Even if I carry baggage from my life, coming here offered me an almost complete fresh start. And I so appreciated it.

Meeting Büke. I feel like that has been the greatest thing that has happened to me here. She's amazing. Honestly, she's such a good person. We have been there for each other at any moment of need. And... I don't know, knowing she's my friend and having shared these four months with her makes me feel so goddamn lucky. I miss her, and I hope that we really get to meet in the future, because I don't want to lose such a positive influence in my life. I feel like she has made me a better person. Oh god, I'm gonna cry.
My roommates were also good. They had some things that at times drove me crazy and made me mad, but they are great people and at the end we have come to really appreciate each other and I'd be lying if I said that I won't miss them. I already do, this week would've been so much better if I had still been living with them.

And I went to Amsterdam. How great is that? I always knew that at some point in my life I was going to visit that beautiful city, but I definitely wasn't expecting to go so soon. Also, sharing that trip with Büke made it more amazing.

*pause to appreciate the cuteness of an elder woman who just sat down and she's so tiny she can't reach the floor with her feet so she's moving them in the air looking happy*

The only "negative" thing about all of this is all the paperwork. I wouldn't repeat an Erasmus just because of the goddamn paperwork problems and the lack of information from my university. I'm gonna have so many problems when I go back. But I don't care about that. One way or another, I will solve it and move on with life, like I always do.

Now, going back to Spain. Ugh.
I've always hated my hometown, it makes me feel like when I was in primary school and everybody hated me and I had no friends and I just hated life so much. Alcoy is a prison to me, like a cage, it makes me feel a little claustrophobic just the thought of going back. I feel like a loser when I'm there, even if I'm not anymore. Or at least not as much as I used to be.
Going back to Valencia... Yeah, that's better, but now I'm gonna be alone in class and I just hate my degree. But living in Valencia it's always better than living in Alcoy. I'm trying to stay as positive as possible.
Also, I have the feeling that this time I'm going back not for long.

I feel I've grown up a lot, and I feel a little different, even if I know I'm still the same.

Now I have to go, my plane leaves in a few minutes and I need to get ready.

See you soon, Germany. Thanks for the experience.

5.02.2015

1. It hasn't snowed. Well done.
2. It feels weird and wrong and not real that I'm going back to Spain.
3. I'm freaking out about the suitcase weigh and if the plane ticket actually includes a big suitcase.
4. I don't want to leave.
5. Next time I wake up it will be to leave. No.
6. I'm gonna miss Düsseldorf so much.

4.02.2015

1. I can't believe tomorrow is my last day here.
2. Passed my exam exactly how I expected to pass it.
3. Alba asked me if there's something wrong. I didn't tell her. But if something like this happens again, I will.
4. I think I did almost everything I had to.
5. I don't want to leave.

03.02.2015

1. Went to the downstairs toilet wearing my Minnie Mouse pyjama pants, a cute roommate came home while I was doing so.
2. It rained and snowed on me today.
3. Had a very nice walk.
4. Should've taken a book from the public bookcase. I might try to go other day and take one. I don't know.
5. I think I've done almost everything I had to do today. Though I didn't tidy up my room.
6. I can't believe another day has gone by.
7. Apparently, it's time to go home. And that just makes me so sad.

02.02.2015

1. Everything was covered in snow when I woke up.
2. Katrin gave me my two credits. Yay!
3. I'm actually kind of excited about going back home. I think I've just assumed it.
4. I have to send a few emails but I just keep postponing it.
5. This day has gone by so fast.

1.02.2015

1. What a sad, grey day.
2. I miss Büke. I think I haven't really accepted she has left.
3. I'm so done with Alba. I can't even.
4. I don't want to do anything except going back to Spain.
5. I feel like Maria doesn't really want me back.
6. It gives me so much anxiety having to go to the kitchen or the bathroom in case I come across someone.

31.01.2015

1. Barely slept, woke up crying.
2. Fucking Düsseldorf trams.
3. Had to take a fucking sky train to go to the fucking terminal C of the airport.
3. I miss Büke.
4. Nico and Louis helped me take my stuff downstairs and waited with me a little while wearing almost any clothes. I'm gonna miss them.
5. Had to carry all my shit to another taxi because the one Koko ordered didn't come. Lost my Nesquick in the meantime.
6. I suddenly got excited about going back to Spain. I will get a massage, dye my hair, take a long bath, put on my onesie and eat one of my favourite lunches on Saturday.
7. What a fucking crap day.

30.01.2015

1. I don't want to pack.
2. KFC is too good. I can't go back ever again.
3. Poor Büke had such a bad day. I don't want her to ever leave my side.
4. Koko actually made a cake for me (it was so delicious) and gave me a little present.
5. Tomorrow I'm gonna hate my life because I have to carry too many things.
6. I opened a reinforced door with a fucking card and pushing a little. Büke called me her "angel" again, so cute.
7. I am so done with Alba.

29.01.2015

1. So I did one exercise of the exam perfect and I thought I had it all wrong.
2. So the exam I thought I had today wasn't today and I don't know when is it nor do I care.
3. One of the books I ordered has already been dispatched. Hell yeah.
4. Amparo Baró just died. Such sad news.
5. Büke's cousin is so fucking great.
6. We had kind of a party night. Loved it.
7. My umbrella broke all of a sudden. I'm not gonna buy a new one.

28.01.2015

1. I'm a piece of shit.
2. The fucking tram made me arrive late to my exam.
3. Got my eyebrows right.
4. Somehow I ended up having dinner with my Hungarian roommate and drank a bottle of wine between the both of us.
5. Discovered a new wisdom tooth has come out like 25/30%. It's growing sideways.
6. Never comment nor read comments on YouTube.
7. Placed my order in Book Depository. I'm so nervous.
8. I hate that Alba is staying here just for her girlfriend. It's stupid and she's gonna regret it.
9. Let's not talk about my exam because I don't know.
10. I have an exam here when I will be in Spain. Don't know how that's gonna work out.

27.01.2015

1. I'm a piece of shit.
2. Threw away a lot of stuff and started packing.
3. Bought an eyebrow pencil. Not good at it.
4. I don't want tomorrow and Thursday to come.
5. I think it's gonna snow again and I'm so pissed off.

26.01.2014

1. Don't know if I feel better or worse than yesterday.
2. I don't want to go to class.
3. People keep asking me if I'm okay.
4. Had to wait for Büke and her cousin for 20 minutes. But her cousin was so nice I'm not angry anymore.
5. Ate barely nothing today, but my stomach is so goddamn angry.
6. Finally got a room in Valencia. I'm gonna feel so fucking claustrophobic in it.
7. Maria won't come spend the first weekend with me, and that makes me super sad.

25.01.2015

1. My throat hurts so much I feel like shit. I have tonsillitis.
2. Apparently if I want to buy penicillin I have to pay 25€.
3. I have no fucking idea how to do my homework.
4. I just found out how to open the building door from the kitchen. After almost four months.
5. I want to sleep until my throat is healed.

Starbuck

This is the story of a man who donated a lot of sperm during his youth, finds out -20 years later- that he's the father of 533 children, 142 of which want to meet him. No one knows his real name, they just know the nickname he gave every time he donated: Starbuck.

It might sound weird, but yeah, this was enough for me to become interested in this movie. I wasn't entirely sure if I was going to like it, but I definitely wanted to give it a chance, and I'm so glad I did.

I didn't have any kind of expectations for this movie, I decided not to watch the trailer or read reviews before I watched it. Well, I was expecting it to be a comedy, that's for sure, and some part of me thought that it would be one of those movies that push the funny too far, if that makes any sense. I thought that, given the topic, it would be kind of... ehm... it hurts me to mention these movies, but the kind of "American Pie" fun/amusement/comedy, and that stopped me - until I found out that the movie is Canadian, which made my brain go blank because I don't recall having watched any Canadian movies, so the expectations bar went back to 0.

I found it to be a very, very sweet movie, the comedy/funny parts weren't obvious/forced, they were just little things that make you chuckle or smile. And for me it had beautiful messages. David's (Starbuck) friend and lawyer, finally wins a case and shows his mum that he can do it, that he's not useless. And the portrayal of their relationship I found it to be realistic and just great in general. The relationship that David has with his brothers, and with his dad, how he (little spoiler) manages to turn his life around thanks to the truth. How all of his children meet and find a beautiful and peculiar family.

I don't know, it had so many things that I loved. Quick mention to the actors' and actresses' skills, specially the main character, well done. I didn't lose the interest at any point (which is something that lately has been hard for me to achieve), even if it's almost two hours long.

And... right now I don't know what else to add, I just think it's a great movie that I wouldn't mind watching again. I probably will watch it again in a few months.

I leave you here the trailer of the movie, but you should bear in mind that the "vibe" that is going to give you, is very, very different from the actual movie "vibe". The trailer leaves you with the feeling that it's just another comedy, and the movie is completely not just another comedy.

I hope you enjoy it if you decide to watch it!

Recommended / Bah / Not recommended

24.01.2015

1. So when I woke up everything was covered in snow.
2. My throat keeps hurting more and more.
3. Didn't do anything important today.
4. Last night I wanted to write a love scene, but ended up ranting about love on Twitter. Yeah. I might write here something about my conception of love and all that stuff because I have too many thoughts on the subject.
5. I need time to stop itself.
6. Finally ate pizza!
7. Didn't die while walking on the snow.

23.01.2015

1. Too many things to do.
2. So the apartments that I found on the Internet didn't pick up their phones. Sara told me about one but it's so far I don't know what to do.
3. I'm so tired.
4. So proud of Grant Gustin.

22.01.2015

1. I can't even.
2. There are things that just happen to me. And they are so fucking weird that they sound fake.
3. Büke's so happy about going back to Turkey, and I'm the complete opposite.
4. The Hannibal season 3 trailer.

21.01.2015

1. Can't believe I woke up so sick. I've been taking better care of myself (cold-wise).
2. Could've done a lot today, didn't do shit.
3. The girls in my Tutorium are super competitive and hate each other and it's funny for me.
4. Next week I have an exam and I'm scared as fuck.
5. The chicken ambulant-shop was open! Been craving chicken for weeks. It was so good.
6. I fucking hate Koko.

20.01.2015

1. I'm scared of eating in case I might get sick again.
2. Bought my first pair of high waist jeans. I like them more than I expected.
3. Got some shit sorted today.
4. I have to move to a different flat for my last week, which sucks ass.
5. Got my plane ticket, which makes me cry and feel claustrophobic.
6. I don't want to go back to Spain.

19.01.2015

1. Katrin seemed angry today.
2. I'm so stupid (German-wise speaking, though other ways too).
3. Tomorrow I'll get shit sorted. I will.
4. Büke is so goddamn popular.
5. I don't know what made me so stomach sick. That was crazy.

18.01.2015

1. I don't feel like going out, but I only have so many days left with Büke.
2. So we went to this "beach", that is just a part of the Rhein that has sand, we took our shoes off to feel the sand and I put mine inside the water and even if I cleaned them they smelled like shit when I got home. Washed them and now it's better, but I'm gonna have to take a shower tomorrow again.
3. I need to get everything ready to go back to Spain, but I don't want to.

17.01.2015

1. Forgot to order lactose free milk and the coffee made me so goddamn sick.
2. Can't find my perfume anywhere, so I had to get a different one. A big moment for me.
3. Koko's being an asshole.
4. Found out that my grandma broke her hip on Monday and got surgery this morning. And I find out now.
5. My sister wrote to me to tell me to say happy birthday to my dad and she didn't tell me about my grandma. I'm so angry.
6. I love skyping with Alba. I miss her so much.

16.01.2015

1. Finally visited Köln. The Dome is so big and beautiful.
2. Tried currywurst. It was good, but I don't think I want to eat it again because at night I still felt the taste of it and I hate that.
3. It was so weird teaching my teacher Spanish in the train.
4. Finally bought Vics. Freaking expensive, but totally worth it.

15.01.2015

1. Büke cooked for me some Turkish food named "kısır" and it was amazing. Took home some leftovers.

2. I need the rain to stop.

3. My throat is so sore.

14.01.2015

1. Woke up in the middle of the night because of a storm and it scared the crap out of me.
2. Then when I woke up in the morning, the toilet didn't flush. Like, it doesn't give any water. I made it work perfectly, and now they break it again.
3. Told my teacher I'd help her out with Spanish but, ugh, I hate teaching things.
4. I think Koko is pissed off at our roommates because they woke him up on Sunday early morning (they woke me up too), so now he's being an asshole and is trying to piss them off but he's only pissing me off. I HATE HIS VOICE.

13.01.2015

1. Büke told me I've lost a good amount of weight. Hell yeah.
2. I'm gonna miss her so much when she leaves.
3. I still feel like crap.

12.01.2015

1. Mondays are becoming worse than Tuesdays.
2. Finally got one of the two light bulbs I need for my room.

11.01.2015

1. The floor of the kitchen was flooded and also the sink when I woke up this morning. What the hell.
2. Someone make Koko stop talking.
3. A man dressed as the prince of Cinderella walked past my window.
4. Crap day.

10.01.2015

1. So last night I kinda got laid. First time a guy has seen my naked.
2. When you have to do the walk of shame is awful. But I'm glad that I found my way home easily.
3. I don't know.

9.01.2015

1. Finally saw Büke. I really missed her. And she said that she missed me too.
2. Didn't do the shopping. Again.

8.01.2015

1. Finally did laundry. And that was it.
2. Alba is convinced to stay the whole year and I'm afraid she's not gonna be okay.
3. Avoided skyping with my mom. I don't want to talk to her.
4. I actually don't want to talk to anyone.

7.01.2015

1. Feel like crap, got sick, finally got my period. Such fun.
2. I'm not leaving my house today.
3. Finished watching Breaking Bad. Loved the 5th season.
4. I still miss her.
5. I feel like going to bed right now.

6.01.2015

1. Still feel like crap. But even worse.
2. Bought cigarettes again. Fuck.
3. I want to leave this apartment.

5.01.2015

1. It was so goddamn hard getting up. I almost didn't.
2. Went to my first class feeling sick (in all the possible ways) as fuck, couldn't stand going to the second one.
3. Katrin (my Tutorin) is so nice to me I feel like I don't deserve it.
4. I'll do things tomorrow.
5. Tried to talk to my mum, she quickly changed the subject.
6. I basically feel like crap.

4.01.2015

1. Had another panic attack when I went to bed.
2. Feel like crap. Also look like it.
3. The roommates have started coming back. I want them to leave.
4. I want to talk with my mom, but I also don't feel like it, because it's not gonna be nice. So I don't know what to do.

3.01.2015

1. I hate so much the huge effort it takes me to get out of bed every morning.
2. Met Büke's fiancé, totally approved.
3. Büke loved my presents *-*
4. It's my last month here. I don't want this to end.
5. Also, I don't want to go back to uni on Monday.

2.01.2015

1. It's still so hard getting up every morning.
2. The heating started working!
3. I don't understand why I hate so much how I look in normal color jeans.
4. It doesn't feel too much like a new year.
5. I'm pissed at my mum all the time. She hasn't made the minimum effort to come visit me.

1.01.2015

1. Kat's couch was so goddamn comfortable.
2. The pizza place was closed on my way home so I cooked pasta like almost every day.
3. The heating is not working, let's cry.
4. Miranda's series finale was SO GOOD.
5. I'll probably have to sleep with a scarf because is so cold without the heating.